Building my Confidence

Ive been weight training on ans off for a very long time, but with the absense of a clear cut goal on what sort of shape and size I want to achieve I never really got any bigger then a mildly defined 12stone 8pounds physique.

Relating back to my earlier post on homeostatis, I realised that deep down that the size I wanted to be at and I didn’t really want to get any bigger than that.

I’ve changed my impression of myself and I visualise myaelf being a lean 86kg (13 stone 7pounds), now I eat like some on 86kg and I feel like I already am this way. The theory of homeostatis means that it should allow me to hit the target weight easier.

I’m currently at 86kg with a bit of a belly, 16% bodyfat, if I were to be 12% my weight would be 81kg, so I have 5kg more lean muscle to get.

Hooraaa

I re-read the book Mastery by George Leonard recently, it’s amazing how much new and insightful things you can pickup from a book you’ve already read before. What I like about books that I don’t like about watching movies is that you can read them over and over again and not be bored by them, however there are only a once maybe twice you can watch something audio-visual and your mind gets bored of it and wants more stimulation.

I guess it probably comes down to the fact that when you’re reading you have to be fully engaged with it, and you create the content in your mind with your imagination, you fill the gaps, you make the words real be inventing the visual in your head. It keeps the mind occupied, and every time you read it the visuals may be different.

The chapter that made me put down my book and think to myself.. And put me deep in thought about my life.. What I have been doing right and what I have been doing wrong (more wrong than right I have to say) is Homeostatis. The idea that things are not meant to change, and nature will naturally return you back to your original place like an elastic band every time you venture out outside your comfort zone.

Otherwise there would be chaos, there would be no stability and consistency, and we humans need stability and consistency tokeep us sane.

It doesn’t mean that people don’t change, it means that people are exactly how they want/supposed to be.

This is really law of attraction revisited, but it’s often too easy to dismiss the secret and the law of attraction because often times it comes across as patronising, and a bit unrealistic. But it really is true.

What I realised from reading that chapter in Mastery is that deep down up until this point I didn’t really want a girlfriend, I didn’t want to go through the heartache, rejection and pain, I was happy to go alone as  a loner in this world. Even though externally I thought I’d like a girlfriend. Often what you want is the first milisecond gut reaction to certain events, and you need to be tuned into hearing that. I guess.

So I went into a cocoon recently and wrote down and visualised exactly what I want and why I want them, I even devised a vision board vis-a-vis the secret style, and will be changing my core beliefs by continually visualising my dreams and aspiration.

Hey Guys and Girls

Just finished pimsleur spanish level 2, my comprehension and vocabulary has improved a lot, going to start level 3 soon, I might go and recap some of level 2 or just go straight on to level 3 tomorrow.

Worked on punches and bit of kicks, took turns to land 1 hit, 2 hit and 3 hit combos, the hardest part was guarding, I’m too risk averse and dont want to get hit, so I flinch on any sign of attack, this is bad for my learning, been told by my spotter to relax more and not be so on edge.

My shin guards are also crap, hurt my shins really bad because the foam is too soft, this stop me from practising my kicks well.

Also been told that I’m too boxed and I need to be more angled on the attack.

Need to not focus too much on landing powerful punches and focus more on technic, be happy with taking blows

I ended my last post early, and went to bed abruptly. I was going to do an all-nighter, not sleep, and hope that next time I sleep like a baby.

Last minute I decided agaisnt it, because this will probably cause havoc for my body clock, instead I went to sleep 6am and woke up 10am. A strong coffee, a red bull, and some freshly juiced orange with the aid of my blender and I’m feeling great.

Got a muay thai class and a few projects lined up, need to check out the salsa scene and get dancing this week too, but at the moment my muay thai and weight training is taking up all my time..

One thing about being out of work is that, you might have all the free time in the world, but the world still revolves around the 9-5 world, there’s still nothing to do mon-fri, and all the best classes, be it salsa, martial arts, meetup.com events, speed-dating, etc all take place in the 7-9 peak time. So even if you have 10 hours to do whatever it is you want, if you want to do any of the above, you have to sacrifice a few.

I’m not working right now, making a bit of spare income from my websites, looking for a job at the moment. However before I even begin to start looking I need to sort out my bad sleeping pattern, history has taught me if you’re waking up around 2pm on a daily basis and applying for jobs, they’re not going to be impressed when they call you up to invite you for interviews and find you answering after having just woken up.

When I was a student I had the luxury of waking up whenever I felt like knowing that I have a few buddies at uni who’ll cover my back, by lending me their notes, and that ultimately I don’t really have any real responsibilties other than to make sure I hand in 4 assignments before the deadline and cram enough stuff in for the exams at the end of term. I have to remind myself that in the real world, it doesnt work like that.

When I was at uni this was a huge drain for me, and I tried lots of different methods to fix my sleeping pattern. One was to skip sleep for a night… let me tell you. This is a bad idea. Trust me, come 9pm the following evening you WILL regret doing it,

I went to a Muay Thai class last week, I really enjoyed it. I got into a lot of fights when I was at school, I’d get picked on because I used to get easily wound up and racted badly to name calling, if I could go back in time and hold the hands of my kid self, give him a cuddle and tell him, everything is OK, you are special and amazing, you need not worry about what other people think of you, it probably would have had a huge impact on my life.

I remember this was one of the things that we went through when we were under trance at the Essence course, sometimes to this day, when I am feeling paticularly bad I know that it’s just the kid inside my that’s reacting this way, and I go into my head and tell me kid self, it’s OK, it’s alright to make a few mistakes, but you shouldn’t feel bad about it..

Anyway, going back, I went to a boys school and got into so many fights that I lost count. Anything slightly annoying I would erupt and get into fights, Of course I’ve beaten other people and got beaten myself. but I really like the rush of getting into fights, muay thai I guess is a rekindling of the old thrill, but I’m not hurting anyone.

Now I wish, I could go back in time, and take my old self to a muay thai class, it would have been great if my dad got me into martial arts when I was a kid.

Muay Thai fighters

I’ve been to Spain a few times, I really want to go far afield now and experience genuine Latin American culture, the closest I got was when I visited Cancun, Mexico. Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t such a great experience, Cancun is really a little America, North America that is, and has the same sort of price bracket as U-S of A too. if you’re luckly enough to brave venturing out into the local areas then you could find yourself in heaven, amazing meals for around $2, great weather and very hospitable people. However it’s as if the whole place is built so that you do not venture over there, firstly there are no Road Signs, there are maps… BUT here is the big BUT, none of the locals know the street names. Because the local town outside of the resorts aren’t big most of the locals know the locations via familiarity, so they don’t need to know street names or road signs.. So if you get lost… Good luck finding your way around..

cancun Beach serial view

So aside from being lumbered in the tourist areas of Cancun, with a bunch of drunk Americans, I hadn’t reallybeen to Latin America.. Which is a shame because with my basic Spanish I think I’ll have a great time.

So I have one of 2 choices to do. Either visit Chile or Cuba.. here are my reasons why

Chile
Is a South American Country which speanks Spanish, albeit muy rapido. The country is a thin strip sandwiched from the rest of South America by the Andes mountains.. This is good because I always have the problem of not knowing where to visit, Chile is great because you can go other up or down, and if you start from the top you have no choice but to go down, vice versa. Secondly Chile is wealthier and more peaceful than other south American country like honduras, colombia, guatamala etc. So for a novice traveller who likes his creatre comforts such as ipod, digital camera, laptops, and designer gear, this could be a good place.

Andes Mountains in Chile

Cuba
Of all the people I’ve spoken to Cuba pretty much comes up on the top of the list of places to visit.. Amazing friendly people, cheap (if you can escape the tourist places), great music and dance atmosphere. However like always there are some downsides to every place.. what are they? Janteros (prostitutes) are rife, and prostitution carries a heavy penaulty. Chances are you’ll get blackmailed by the pimp to fess up a lot of money. Easy you say, just avoid all prostitutes. Not so, prostitution doesn’t take place in the convential form, they appear to be like the average bar girl, you think you’ve got lucky and last minute they lay down the proposal. So I’ve been told. Also most Cubans are poor, and you’ll get constant invitations to get ripped off. See people’s Cuba experience is very polarised, I guess some people want a stress free relaxing time and don’t want to be hasseled and constantly have to negotiate, barter and tell people “no me gusto” constantly, while other people enjoy this experience and find that this is really the charm of the place.. I guess it’s different, I mean I’ve walked along the streets of London, and have nobody talk to me at all.

Cuba Tours

I do sometimes feel very lonely in London which is home to 20 million people. Quite ironic actually, I feel that in London you really have to make an effort to keep friends and have good people around you. If you are too passive about it, it can be tough to be in contact with people.

Just finished pimsleur level 1, feel elated that I finished it, but at the same time realise that there’s a lot more for me to learn.

Currently reading a book called intimate connection by david burns, interesting book which an interesting twist on how to pursue love. One of the things it says is that you need to first learn to love yourself and treat yourself with love and respect, and completely forget finding love, and live as if you will never find love and basically put yourself first.

the idea is that when you stop searching and look within you, you become a more attractive person and people are drawn to you, I’ll be doing the lessons.

Live, Laugh, Love

I’ve been reading a few books on self help for a while now, one of those which has made a big impression on me is Intimate Connection by David Burns, what stood out was the fact that I could relate very much to author of the book who came from an analytical mind, he didn’t have any success with women until 26, and slowly learnt how to do so by treating himself with love and dignity, he says most people who have no love in their life seek out a partner who will end their years of misery, but what tends to happen is that their needyness and desperation is apparant to the other person and they run a mile.

What I’ve been doing is putting myself on the backseat, not putting my needs first before everyone else, I do things to impress others, or laugh at other peoples jokes, or be a spectator and look to others to make me happy, and not to enough to humour myself and treat myself as the most important person in the world.

So anyway, I’m into the first few chapters like maybe 1/6 of the way there, really enjoying this book.

One of the things I’m doing is learning spanish, I’ve read elsewhere that learning a new skill is good for bulding self esteem as it allows you to take your mind off your daily routine.

Also learning a new language is like a new voice for you to express yourself, can you imagine practising a new language and making a point of not learning the negative expressions, and allowing yourself to only express positivity??!!?