I made so much progress, and today I’ve hit an all time low. My dad’s been screaming and shouting upstairs, can’t really decypher what it was about, he shouts so fast and mumbles his words I cannot ever make out what the fuck he’s going on about. Plus he has a full set of false teeth which I guess makes it difficult for him to speak.
He’s been like this all my life, and I really need to get the hell out of this place and get my own place. I don’t want a rent because it’s a complete waste of money, IMO. Once I have enough money I’ll go buy-to-let. Move into a room, and rent out the other rooms to other people.
I was never proud of my dad, and I thought he was a complete loser all my life, I grew up hating myself and blaming all my shortcomings onto him. I was bad socially, I blamed it all on him, because he was so anti-social. I perceived him to be a lazy, illiterate, welfare hogging village idiot. He pushed me hard to get an education and I thought he was a hypocrite for doing that.
he pushed us [me and my siblings] beyond out capabilities with schooling and eventually it was all too much and I turned my back on it.
I thought I put that all in my past now and buried the hatchett, from reading the copious amounts of self-help books I taught myself that everything that I react badly do is my own fault and is entirely down to how I choose to cope with it. If I get angry at someone else it’s because it’s triggered something bad inside of me and I need to solve it inside-out.
Well my dad ranting and raving about absolute tripe, pissed me off so much, that I went upstairs and shouted at him, and gave him all I could give, “what the hell is wrong with you!?!?! Why are you shouting non-stop?!?! You’re getting to my head and messing with my mind?!?!?! I don’t want to hear your bullshit!?!?! And all sorts.
I saw red, and I gave everthing I had, I said a lot more… I cant remember it because it pissed me off so much.
Immediately afterwards I had finished my ranting, I knew I made a mistake, I knew I took the pussy way out, and discharged all my negativity and anger about myself onto my dad. I could have chose to not resist the noise, get out the house and get some fresh air, instead I unloaded myself onto another person, and now I’ve made him feel aweful and I have built up guilt inside of me.
