Building my Confidence » Self-Improvement

Change your life in 7 days

totalwise — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:34:40 +0000

I just bought Paul McKenna’s book from sainsbury’s for a mere £1 as you can see below. I’ve heard good reviews of this book, and in the past I rubbishes it off as a cheesy self help book. Apparantly it’s pretty damn effective. Comes with a nice hypnosis CD too.

Watch this space for a review soon

Diagnosis of my inner game issues that I need to identify in order to build positive affirmation

totalwise — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 02:08:34 +0000

I need to take close look at what my internal voice is saying to me, and how it is limiting me. I will update this page over the coming few days with updates on what’s going through my head.

I use computer procastination as a distraction to get away from the pains of my mind, the mindis constantly talking negatively and telling me things that are not positive, overly critical and destructive, watching pointless online streams, playing video games etc is a way to get away from my mind. However in the long term procastination does nothing for my mental health and simply hides the problem away from me. I must be at least OK with sitting in a room in silence by myself first.

I keep people at a distance, and find flaws in people really easily in order to avoid connecting with them, I write people off too quickly and only look for positives in a very small number of people, in doing so I create reasons to avoid dealing with them. Deep down I do this to avoid ego bashing of receiving potential rejection from other people.

I don’t think of the positives that could happen from an outcome I tend to think of the negatives that could happen, just before it’s time to get ready and leave to go and party, I tend to think “what’s the point?” nothing different is ever going to come out of this situation. ANd just like a self fulfilling prophecy it doesn’t. I need to think more positively and look at things through a half-full perspective. I need to approach everything with a new perspective and not look at things through a beaten up, ragged, old viewpoint.

I feel unloved and betrayed by my family, I don’t trust them to offer me anything and I have to rely on myself exclusively, moreover I feel they’re holidng me back, if I could restart from scratch and choose a different family I would.

Men are good
Women are manipulative and devious
My body is awkward
My career is stale
My future looks unpromising
My partner will never materialise
I’m good at wasting time
I’m lousy at holding friendships
People think I’m lucky
When I’m under pressure I withdraw
The world is cruel
What I love about people is there are so really good people out there
What I hate about people is that they all ignore me
My heart is broken
Marriage is futile
Love is evasive
Excercise is my old straw
Work is pointless
Life is meaningless

Something I read which was relevant to me

totalwise — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 00:22:35 +0000

I read a forum post, a guy basically wrote a long wided post about why things aren’t going right for him, and basically feeling sorry for himself. I saw the thread and realised that it was relevant for me. I’ve reposted it on here for all to see.

You’ve got a real attitude problem mate.

Firstly, absolutely no-one owes you anything.
Despite you thinking you’re so great, that doesn’t mean anything. You are defined by your actions and you’re weasly because you only put this ‘effort’ in in order to get something back.

The moment anything goes against you, you blame someone else.
This is because you’re deeply insecure and it strikes at the nerve and the thought about yourself that you trully hate- that you’re not worthy.

Therefore you spin between your imaginary value of yourself, and the resultant fall from grace when the reality does not match your imagination. It must be ‘their’ fault.

The reason you don’t push yourself after two years is because you desperately don’t want to defile or lose your perceived inner reality of yourself (your amazing potential and how much ‘effort’ you put in) by bearing it to the light of the truer reality and the side of yourself you feel insecure about.

I am one of many many guys here on this forum who learnt insane amounts about theirself by learning about the power of honesty with girls. You so far have not had the guts to take up that spear and join the battlefield.
You have only yourself to blame.

You keep on thinking you’re owed something. You’re not. Sorry.

In outer terms, you have a very very nasty habit in terms of your reaction to negative stimulus. It spirals you into your horrendous energy-sucky negative perception of yourself, which you then throw out by blaming it on others.

There’s actually a lot for you to gain here. Until you get rid of your horrendous attitude, that’s not going to happen.

I really like this advice and want to share this with you guys, and also have this around for myself as a reminder.

My reasons for being happy.

totalwise — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 15:38:55 +0000

OK everyone, saturday afternoon, feeling a bit contemplative, so I thought I’d sit here and write up some reasons/experiences which make me feel proud and happy.

I am smart and intelligent
I’m good with numbers and can take care of myself
I’m reasonably good looking and tall
I am mentally stable and healthy for most of my time
My acaemic achievements are good
I have a degree
I overcame a lot of bad in my life, to get to where I am today
I’m not sure what will happen for me in the next 2-3 years, but I know I’m a hard worker and will pull something out the bag
I’m confident and assertive
I have a family that cares for most of the time
I have a lot of opportunities ahead of me
I have set up my own business and made 25K in profits
I can be really funny when I need to be

What I regret so much in my life and what I need to do in order to move on part 2

totalwise — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 00:42:32 +0000

I don’t really like rehashing the same stuff over and over again, I don’t like dwelling on the negatives and I really want to post up constructive commentaries, not have to post up more and more negatives.

However sometimes dwelling on the negatives are important especially if they keep propping back up over and over again.

On an earlier post under the same name, I indentified lots of regret I have in my life, and some areas which I am competent at, I falsely identified that I don’t go after what I want in life, and settle for whatever life throws at me.

This is accurate to a certain extent, however it’s not really the core of the issue, the core of the issue is that I don’t like discomfort. I am afraid of situations where I may experience discomfort and try my best to avoid it, until I am forced to face these situations and then when I do throw myself out there I find that I manage to fare pretty well.

This is the reason why I am going through life at a snails pace, and if I carry on going down this path what will happen is by the time everyone else is getting married and having children, finally then will I start getting girlfriends and having an active social life.

By then, I would have let so much of life to pass me by.

This is the standard pattern of my life:

I feel like I need to do something
I can’t face the discomfort of taking action and making changes so I put my head in a cocoon.
I engage myself with comforts, fast food, television, internet streams, forums
I pass the day by just doing the things I’m good at gym, training, making passive income, eating, shopping, browsing websites
Then situation comes where I desperately need to take action on the stuff I wanted to do.
I take action and enjoy doing it for a bit, but then I get comfortable and the cycle continues.

I need to embrace the feeling of discomfort associated with taking action on my goals. I need to rewire how I respond to "discomfort" from being anxious to being exciting.

A week after going out, and what have I learnt?

totalwise — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 00:25:20 +0000

I’ve been out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday.

Monday
Good Salsa class, probably the best dancer in the class, got 4 dances after class. Approached lots of girls myself and got good reactions

Wednesday
Went on a below par salsa class and was bored out of my mind, gave off a bored vibe and this translated into bad dances, had 3 dances and wasn’t very happy.

Thursday
Had 5 dances and a decent salsa class. Was a lot better than Wednesday but not as good as Monday, had a French girl very interested in me and should have exploited that, but wanted to get dances

Friday
Did not do any cold approaches, despite positive, fired up start, noticed weird phenomena of girls checking me out, got an ego boost from this but at the same time stifled me from approaching and didn’t do much. Left home with the resolve to be more proactive.

Sunday
Did not approach and felt like my state was dwindling, however when I started doing 2 cold approaches by myself my state went up bit by bit but not many people out to practice the approaches.

What have I learnt? (what works and what doesn’t)
When I get encouragements from people I flow into character really well, such as compliments from girls and wings. I hesitate a lot before approaching my first few sets, once I do though, I get into a good momentum. sometimes I doubt myself in my ability to converse, however compared to other guys I’d have to say there’s not anything much special to say. I found that if I accept the fact that the girl can choose to walk away and not care, and just talk very slowly and with a smile in my face. The girl warms to me easily.

Delaying the first couple of approaches is always suicide on a night out, it is imperative to approach early and get the momentum building, otherwise I’ll get stuck in my head more and more as time passes, and will go home pissed off and angry with myself.

It’s important to have self belief, and look at the girl thinking sexual thoughts, or like lovers staring in each others eyes like we’ve already made love and just enjoying the moment together. This will make the girl feel the same thing as well and make me feel confident.

Another thing that really messes up my night out is that when I don’t approach from early on I make it more and more hard on myself by being all tense, this is really bad for my state and confidence, and I need to either stop kicking myself in the backside or just get stuck in and approaching early on.

Identified stumbling blocks that prevent me from progressing

totalwise — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:27:19 +0000

After Monday nights great success, I was on a high and stop pushing myself further.

My plan was to go out Tuesday night, however I didn’t because at the time I was "feeling tired", this was probably just an excuse as I was worried of having a bad night compared to the previous night.

I get this feeling from time to time, it’s like a huge period of motivation to change my life circumstance which is a reaction from a period of negativity and seeing the reality of my life situation. Where the motivation propels me to action for a brief moment but then I quickly get caught up in my comfort zone, get become happy for a bit, but don’t take steps to keep going forward.

I guess this means I have to release on my success barriers so I can go past them. Here are some releasing points for my success barriers

*Being happy uses energy and burns me out
*I don’t really need girls, I’m happy with just getting a few positive reactions from girls and then not bothering to take it further
*Getting girls will mean I have to create huge lifestyle changes which will be hard on me and stress me out
*I’m scared of failing further down the line
*Sometimes I just can’t be bothered

I also went out Wednesday night, and didn’t really have as much of a good time as I did on Monday, I felt like I was going through motions that I’ve already been through time and time again and was under stimulated, this funniest bit was when a girl said to me "OMG you have such a serious face on that it’s not even funny", and then the next time she came round she says "hello boy, that never smiles".

One good thing I experienced was that I was completely numb to negativity and rejection, previously this would really mess with my head but today it felt completely at ease and didn’t really care about what sort of reaction I was getting from other people.

Masturbation

After Monday night I had a good celebratory wank, two in fact, and never felt so good in my life. Tuesday morning I had two wanks and today (Thursday) I’ve just had two wanks, I think having a wank before doing something challenging that will stretch my comfort zone is a bad idea, as it makes me stagnate and not bother working hard for anything. I do like wanking. So I should really limit wanking to only doing it as a reward.

Sedona Method

I also need to make sure that I proactively seek out opportunities on releasing, I’m falling behind on this and need to keep it up.

A glimmer of hope

totalwise — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:54:43 +0000

OK my last couple of posts were really quite negative, I’m not sure if this was down to my attitude (which would mean I created this negativity in my head using my mind), or it’s down to just brain chemical imbalances due to taking 5htp, a concoction of sleeping pills, and my sleep clock going all over the place, in the last week or so.

Yesterday, I got a renewed sense of confidence about myself, I went to salsa for the first time in a ages. I will embolden any thoughts and feelings I have in order to release them, they don’t hold any significance to the reader.

I went out today, the day was quite productive, I was focused and didn’t procrastinate much. I got to the salsa bar, and got slightly dissuaded, it triggered a negative feeling of me pressure a being obliged to do something. Normally I would just walk in and wait for my friend inside, but today I decided to call my friend before he went in. I didn’t want to be waiting inside by myself for my friend and lose state.

I got in and hesitated a bit before buying the ticket for the class, I felt a suppressing feeling of not wanting to stand out and move people out the way before going to the ticket booth. But with the help of a friend I eventually got there.

Salsa class was a bit annoying at first there were maybe 6 or 7 more guys than girls. But I decided to not think about it and just get on with the class. We did a couple of basic steps that I’ve done loads of time before, this was good, I deliberately went to a beginners class because I wanted to get my confidence back. Very soon I was getting compliments from girls saying that I’m a really good lead, and they’ve had the best dance with me. This felt good.

I had chemistry or (good times) with about 5 of the girls.. That’s probably about half the class, so I wanted to chase them up later for dance after class.

But I was really nervous to ask, I guess because I have this feeling inside me where I feel like I shouldn’t ruin a good experience by pushing further and potentially ruining the experience.

I went to the bar and and two girls from the class were there. I proceeded to ignore them and pretend they’re not there. Because I felt like I left a good impression on them, and it would be bad to ruin that first impression by falling flat on my face. After a few awkward moments standing there, the girl talked to me, and we spoke about salsa (wow that was easy), and hit the dance floor. While dancing I enjoyed it for about 2 minutes, and then I got into a mental rut where I was thinking "shit I don’t know any more moves the girl looks like she’s getting bored". We rotated partners (there were 2 girls and me and my buddy) and danced for a bit. I think the first girl fancied me, but I didn’t push it to take it up a level.

I made an excuse and left, and later went and danced with another girl, I wasn’t really confident in the way I asked her, I felt like I was intruding in the girls conversation, if I was more relaxed I would have noted that and approached with "sorry to bother you…". But the girl said yes to my surprise and so, we danced.

The girl didn’t have much of an expression, we did some basic moves and chatted about salsa. I wanted to raise the energy up a bit, so I got a bit more excited and started doing some flash moves that I just improvised, and making loud cheerful expressions, she opened up a bit and showed me some moves. It was fun, she showed me a move where she’d lean on me on my side, and I’d lean 45 degrees to the side, and then I’d kick off on my standing leg and bounce her off.

I don’t think it was salsa, but it was fun.

Last dance was the best, with a girl who was really into me, I didn’t fancy her, but I loved her spirit and energy, probably the most dance chemistry.

After that we left to wander around.

So 1 hr of fun salsa class, with 4 good social dances.

Other emotional blows that I may have missed from this write-up and need to release on
*Keep wanting to end dances and go back to my comfort zone.
*Keep wanting to escape away and retreat in a quiet zone
*Not exploiting a good night, and pushing my limits, to see how far I can push things
*Happy by just having girls be attracted to me, and not going for more

That’s all for today

My belief’s that hold me back part 2

totalwise — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 00:24:32 +0000

Here’s a rehash of my beleifs that I hold inside me now, after doing some sedona method on the previous list

*I’ve been dealt a bad hand in life, and haven’t had the best start, now I need to move forward and change my destiny.
*I just lack a bit of experience with women, and I need to be proactive in being around more women.
*I have never persisted long enough with a girl to know if the method or not is working.
*I need to sort out a few life issues I have which are holding me back, and once I’ve got these sorted I will have a solid foundation
*Hot girls are bitchy
*Women are complicated

at this point I am struggling to find negatives, as you can tell from the last two points I’m really going for broke here.

*Women tend to take a while to familiarise with and open up
*Women have men around them all the time, and so are a bit difficult to get access to
*Women are difficult to read

Now I need to bring the focus back into my personal beleifs about me

*I’m an underachiever, who has potential for much more
*I am not proactive in looking for and grabbing opportunities
*I let my fear control me sometimes
*I’m scared of big changes and risk
*I have an affinity with my comfort zone, which I can’t let go of
*My lack of sexual prowess worries me

My beliefs about myself that hold me back

totalwise — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 00:30:27 +0000

I went out today in order to chat up girls in a loud club, however I found myself facing a lot of difficulty in achieving any twngiable results. I found that I’d struggle a lot to approach, and when I do approach and break the ice, I struggle to hold a good conversation.

Maybe this is happening because this is my first day out in ages, or it could be because my beleifs are holding me back

Either way, I have been asked to write down my current beliefs about myself, not what I want to beleive about myslef, or the glossed over positive self, but the deeper self, that is the core of myself which controls my knee jerk (instinctual reaction). To create new positive beleifs, one must destroy any existing beliefs which contradict the new beleifs.

I don’t have power in society
I’m not in control of my life
I have to act like someoe I’m not in order to save face
I don’t take any risks
I have to rely on getting lucky with fat and ugly girls to get anywhere
Being an ethnic minority I’m automatically seen as less attractive that white people
I don’t enjoy exchanging banter with women
I don’t enjoy being friends with women, and get jealous why they fancy other guys
I only want stuff from women
I think women are uncomfortable around me.
I can’t hold a good conversation long enough
I have to rely on people to like me before I can be myself
I’m not as worthy or good as other guys
I am not funny normally, and need to be encouraged a lot to bring that side out
I don’t trust my judgement
Other’s don’t trust my lead
I only talk to people when I need something
I don’t trust that people are interested in anything I have to say
I am intimidated by people who I perceive as cooler than me
I get along Ok with guys, but girls are repelled by me
When I’m having a conversation with a woman, I’m thinking of the end goal, and feel nothing good will ever happen between us
I’m worried that the girl will find out the real me and won’t like me
Women are generally not into me personality wyse
Women want a guy with experience, and I’m not that guy
I can only succeed with woman if I’m the only guy around and I know she has no other choice
Woman are generally polyamourous so will sleep with other guys and hurt me

That’s all I can think of right now, there are porbably more issues out there.

On a positive note, he’s a nice video which should cheer anyone up.

And some of my positive sides.

Most guys think I’m pretty successful in life, so there must be some truth in that
I am tall and good looking
Whenever I go out I get checked out by girls at least a few times
I’m a clear thinker, and know myself well
I can speak coherently and articulate myself well
Most people think I’m pretty cool
I have friends who are close to me, and call me now and again
I have a decent education and a good head resting on my shoulders
I have improved myself a lot, and stand a good chance of improving myself even further
I’ve learnt to make and keep friends, something I couldn’t do earlier.