OK my last couple of posts were really quite negative, I’m not sure if this was down to my attitude (which would mean I created this negativity in my head using my mind), or it’s down to just brain chemical imbalances due to taking 5htp, a concoction of sleeping pills, and my sleep clock going all over the place, in the last week or so.
Yesterday, I got a renewed sense of confidence about myself, I went to salsa for the first time in a ages. I will embolden any thoughts and feelings I have in order to release them, they don’t hold any significance to the reader.
I went out today, the day was quite productive, I was focused and didn’t procrastinate much. I got to the salsa bar, and got slightly dissuaded, it triggered a negative feeling of me pressure a being obliged to do something. Normally I would just walk in and wait for my friend inside, but today I decided to call my friend before he went in. I didn’t want to be waiting inside by myself for my friend and lose state.
I got in and hesitated a bit before buying the ticket for the class, I felt a suppressing feeling of not wanting to stand out and move people out the way before going to the ticket booth. But with the help of a friend I eventually got there.
Salsa class was a bit annoying at first there were maybe 6 or 7 more guys than girls. But I decided to not think about it and just get on with the class. We did a couple of basic steps that I’ve done loads of time before, this was good, I deliberately went to a beginners class because I wanted to get my confidence back. Very soon I was getting compliments from girls saying that I’m a really good lead, and they’ve had the best dance with me. This felt good.
I had chemistry or (good times) with about 5 of the girls.. That’s probably about half the class, so I wanted to chase them up later for dance after class.
But I was really nervous to ask, I guess because I have this feeling inside me where I feel like I shouldn’t ruin a good experience by pushing further and potentially ruining the experience.
I went to the bar and and two girls from the class were there. I proceeded to ignore them and pretend they’re not there. Because I felt like I left a good impression on them, and it would be bad to ruin that first impression by falling flat on my face. After a few awkward moments standing there, the girl talked to me, and we spoke about salsa (wow that was easy), and hit the dance floor. While dancing I enjoyed it for about 2 minutes, and then I got into a mental rut where I was thinking "shit I don’t know any more moves the girl looks like she’s getting bored". We rotated partners (there were 2 girls and me and my buddy) and danced for a bit. I think the first girl fancied me, but I didn’t push it to take it up a level.
I made an excuse and left, and later went and danced with another girl, I wasn’t really confident in the way I asked her, I felt like I was intruding in the girls conversation, if I was more relaxed I would have noted that and approached with "sorry to bother you…". But the girl said yes to my surprise and so, we danced.
The girl didn’t have much of an expression, we did some basic moves and chatted about salsa. I wanted to raise the energy up a bit, so I got a bit more excited and started doing some flash moves that I just improvised, and making loud cheerful expressions, she opened up a bit and showed me some moves. It was fun, she showed me a move where she’d lean on me on my side, and I’d lean 45 degrees to the side, and then I’d kick off on my standing leg and bounce her off.
I don’t think it was salsa, but it was fun.
Last dance was the best, with a girl who was really into me, I didn’t fancy her, but I loved her spirit and energy, probably the most dance chemistry.
After that we left to wander around.
So 1 hr of fun salsa class, with 4 good social dances.
Other emotional blows that I may have missed from this write-up and need to release on *Keep wanting to end dances and go back to my comfort zone. *Keep wanting to escape away and retreat in a quiet zone *Not exploiting a good night, and pushing my limits, to see how far I can push things *Happy by just having girls be attracted to me, and not going for more
Here’s a rehash of my beleifs that I hold inside me now, after doing some sedona method on the previous list
*I’ve been dealt a bad hand in life, and haven’t had the best start, now I need to move forward and change my destiny.
*I just lack a bit of experience with women, and I need to be proactive in being around more women.
*I have never persisted long enough with a girl to know if the method or not is working.
*I need to sort out a few life issues I have which are holding me back, and once I’ve got these sorted I will have a solid foundation
*Hot girls are bitchy
*Women are complicated
at this point I am struggling to find negatives, as you can tell from the last two points I’m really going for broke here.
*Women tend to take a while to familiarise with and open up
*Women have men around them all the time, and so are a bit difficult to get access to
*Women are difficult to read
Now I need to bring the focus back into my personal beleifs about me
*I’m an underachiever, who has potential for much more
*I am not proactive in looking for and grabbing opportunities
*I let my fear control me sometimes
*I’m scared of big changes and risk
*I have an affinity with my comfort zone, which I can’t let go of
*My lack of sexual prowess worries me
I went out today in order to chat up girls in a loud club, however I found myself facing a lot of difficulty in achieving any twngiable results. I found that I’d struggle a lot to approach, and when I do approach and break the ice, I struggle to hold a good conversation.
Maybe this is happening because this is my first day out in ages, or it could be because my beleifs are holding me back
Either way, I have been asked to write down my current beliefs about myself, not what I want to beleive about myslef, or the glossed over positive self, but the deeper self, that is the core of myself which controls my knee jerk (instinctual reaction). To create new positive beleifs, one must destroy any existing beliefs which contradict the new beleifs.
I don’t have power in society
I’m not in control of my life
I have to act like someoe I’m not in order to save face
I don’t take any risks
I have to rely on getting lucky with fat and ugly girls to get anywhere
Being an ethnic minority I’m automatically seen as less attractive that white people
I don’t enjoy exchanging banter with women
I don’t enjoy being friends with women, and get jealous why they fancy other guys
I only want stuff from women
I think women are uncomfortable around me.
I can’t hold a good conversation long enough
I have to rely on people to like me before I can be myself
I’m not as worthy or good as other guys
I am not funny normally, and need to be encouraged a lot to bring that side out
I don’t trust my judgement
Other’s don’t trust my lead
I only talk to people when I need something
I don’t trust that people are interested in anything I have to say
I am intimidated by people who I perceive as cooler than me
I get along Ok with guys, but girls are repelled by me
When I’m having a conversation with a woman, I’m thinking of the end goal, and feel nothing good will ever happen between us
I’m worried that the girl will find out the real me and won’t like me
Women are generally not into me personality wyse
Women want a guy with experience, and I’m not that guy
I can only succeed with woman if I’m the only guy around and I know she has no other choice
Woman are generally polyamourous so will sleep with other guys and hurt me
That’s all I can think of right now, there are porbably more issues out there.
On a positive note, he’s a nice video which should cheer anyone up.
And some of my positive sides.
Most guys think I’m pretty successful in life, so there must be some truth in that
I am tall and good looking
Whenever I go out I get checked out by girls at least a few times
I’m a clear thinker, and know myself well
I can speak coherently and articulate myself well
Most people think I’m pretty cool
I have friends who are close to me, and call me now and again
I have a decent education and a good head resting on my shoulders
I have improved myself a lot, and stand a good chance of improving myself even further
I’ve learnt to make and keep friends, something I couldn’t do earlier.
A nagging seed of negativty I have is that I doubt myself a lot, this was made clear to me in the essence advance course.
I doubt myself in almost all areas of life, except for the routine elements which I have overcome by consistent practice over time, such as Gym, money making and my intelligence. Hell yeah, I love the fact that I can analyse things to death, in fact I can’t turn that off.
Anyway, back on topic, I’m writing yet another post at a time when I cannot fall asleep and I have this nagging thought I have on my mind which I must put to rest here before I drive myself mad.
I feel I have underachieved a helluva lot in my life, I regret failing my A-levels really bad, I regret going to a crap uni, and having to resit my finals because I did so bad. I regret getting a medicore 2:2 pass mark. I regret not making many friends in life, I regret not socialising and expressing my voice enough, I regret not having a girlfriend, ever. I regret settling for second best. I regret sticking to my comfort zone for far too long, and allowing the wind to drag my ship everywhere and anywhere it wants, and not using my sails tactifully to dictate my destiny.
In all my years, I have simply been happy to settle for whatever life throws at me, at it sucks. I am in this position right now, because I failed to capitalise on opportunites right in front of my eyes, and simply choose the backseat option because going for whatI want was “too difficult” for me.
Well now, I am paying the ultimate price, and I have to decide right now, I have to seize this moment and ask myself,
Am I happy? NO.
What led me to this unhappiness? The inability for me to choose what I want in life and go for it.
So what will lead to my happiness? I need to mercilessly, unashamedly, go for what I want in life and not settle for second best.
Really, the time has long gone where I can stand back and enjoy the luxury of not taking action, if I continue this, I will grow old a frail man, and I will not have a career or purpose in life. I will be for ever drifting around in this world, like a life drifts along in a stream of water, completely at the mercy of where the stream takes it.
I woke up really late today, after binging on caffeine on the night before, I ddin’t know that green tea had cafeine at the time, and was using green tea as a substitute for tea and coke which to fend off my caffeine addiction.
I woke up pissed off, and hating myself for waking up at 6pm, I then had breakfast and drank some regular tea, this helped ease my mood as well. I was pissed off staying in my room all day, which is a mess. I want to move out of my parents ASAP, but the cost of accomodation is holding me back.
I phoned up my best friend, and got fired up a lil because I made plans for tomorrow to hang out.
I got pissed off again because my my neck injury hasn’t healed back so I cant do and weight training or muay thai. I’m ating the bare minimum, and also getting a bit fat from the carb. I look and feel fat.
I’m pissed off right now because I’m trying to go to sleep, and fix my sleeping pattern, I’ve taken kalms sleep aid and some herbal tea (cafeine free) which aids sleep.
I’m pissed off right now because it’s 1am and there are people outside my room talking and I can hear everything so I can’t go to sleep.
I’ve had several negative thoughts today that made me feel down. I don’t know what to do with my life, I’m almost 25 years old, and I don’t have acareer, I’m just making enough money to survive.
I’m annoyed that C invites out my best friend to hang out and completely avoids me, I don’t know whether she’s blanking me on purpose or something.
My knee jerk reaction is to punish her, blank her, not give her attention, and cut her out of my life. I am jealous.
I saw a video of a guy chatting up a woman, and it brought up negative emotions in me, it felt like it was really shallow, it won’t last, and I’m not ready for this.
I’m writing this because I want to work on these issues tomorrow and sedona method on these.
I also need to do a positivity challenge for 10 days
C came back to London, however when she came back she never contacted me to say hello or anything, when she was in Italy, she would send me emails occasionally, but since she’s back it’s like she not interested any more.
Her birthday just went by, I sent a cordial text saying happy birthday and she replied back with a polite thank you. But she never indicated meeting up or anything.
I have a couple of thoughts on this.
1) She’s come back, went out with her girlfriends and pulled several guys from clubs so she does not need to reignite old fires that have long died out.
2) She’s bored of waiting, and moved on
I think I’m going to bury the hatchet with this one and go out and meet some more women. It’s never a good idea to have your mind fixed on one girl, creates neediness and dependance, especially when she is seeing other guys.
I’m a bit frustrated, I’m going to channel that energy into a positive and go out and meet other women
I just got a batch of kamagra pills today, through the post. I ordered it from kamagranow.co.uk and testing the pills have yielded quite pleasurable results. I can get it up much more easily, stimulation is a lot more intense and the orgasm is the most powerful I have experience, On top of that erections were rock hard.
I have a friend called J, and he’s quite the fan of kamagra pills, however he is addicted to kamagra in that he can’t imagine having sex without the pills.
I got them because I think the nerves got the better of me and I couldn’t come, during the last time I’ve done the deed. I think sex is still a new experience for me, and being touched sexually still makes me jump sometimes. So to put myself at ease I’ve bought a packet of K and will take them before my next venture. I plan to come off as soon as I’m experienced enough to relax during sex.
Now, I’ve been sitting on my desk the past couple of days ponder about what my next escort experience will be. Honestly, there are so many women offering their “time” that I’m literally spoilt for choice. A bit like a kid in a candy store.
I’ve set a target for 10 escort experiences, I say I’m 1 down and 9 to go. A part of me says just get it over and done with, the other part of me says I need to pick carefully and wisely to make my experience the best possible.
Because just like in any other trade there are unscrupulous people out there who are all too willing to take your money and not offer the goods.
I’m using a website called adultwork.com to make my selection, and checking their feedback on punternet.com
Yesterday marked the momentous decision for me to plunge into the paying for “time” with an escort, the first time I used such services must have been over 2 years ago and it scarred me for a long time, it was incredibly rushed, mechanical and not worth the money, and it made me feel a little bit bad about myself for resorting to paying for “services”, if you know what I mean
The reason why I feel i needed to do this was because I was inredibly shy sexually, for a very long time, and I felt that it hindered me and still feel it hinders me to this day.
I was the guy that girls would find quite interesting, funny and attractive, and wanted to hook up with but would be bored of waiting around because I wouldn’t “pull the trigger” as they say, and spend too much time fluffing around.
Deep down, I have to say that moving advances sexually is quite scary, scared of the unknown, scared of possible rejection. From a young age I felt that my sexuality was repressed, came from a traditional family, men and women had roles and did not show any afffection to each other in public, my memory of my parents having sex was a quit clinical affair, no noise was made, movement was minimum, bed/mattress did not make any sound, it was all over within 10-15 minutes, and they both walked to the bathroom after to clean up. One after another of course.
When watching TV, we would flick channels when there was mention of anything sexual, or any scenes of kissing.What was most frustrating was that we would sometimes watch a movie around 9pm, and there would be several mild scenes of affection, kissing, cuddling, sexual innuendos, and my parents would get irate with having to switch channels so they’d send us upstairs to go to bed in the middle of the film.
obviously this has led a hallmark on my sex life, and my attitude about sex for a very long time,it’s only now, as a young adult I am able to break away and form my own opinions and values about such things.
So anyways back to the topic at hand
I went to see a escort yesterday, it was a great experience, I did not get for a full service, I was left traumatised from my last experience going to a soho walkup and been forced into mechanical sex with a ugly girl. Which I should have walked away from, but the pressure that I put on myself to get the deed done was so strong, and my idea of sex was so out of reality that I didn’t know any better
So to dip my toes into the water before jumping in, I opted for a massage and HR service with a nice polish lady, she was sweet and pretty good looking, I was a tad bit nervous, and just before knocking on the door to go in, felt a bit seedy, but I already made the choice and there was no turning back.
Girl put me at ease by making a passing comment about me looking around everywhere in front of her house for her door. And that it was a good thing I didnt knock on the wrong door. I guess when a girl is doing something like this and seeing possible 5-6 different guys every night it could raise suspicions with the neighbours.
So I walked up and went upstairs, got the formalities out the way, undressed and lied front up on the bed, meanwhile the girl is outside, she walks in and stares straight at my limp cock, I dunno whether she was looking at my cock or the funny tanline I have from my recent trip abroad.
She did a full body massage, mainly focusing on the back, and then halfway through the massage started slowly sliding her hand from the top of my back down to my ballsacks, I have I was really shocked at that, and it became clear to me why I needed to seek services of an escort, because my body was quivering at the slightest touch by the escort. She then asked me turn over and tried to finish me off, she tried and tried, until my dick went numb, I couldn’t feel anything on it for a while, the time ran out, and I got up had a shower and left.
Now the average guy who uses such services on a regular basis would have been a bit cheesed off with the results, however for me this was a bit of a milestone. Throughout the deed I kept thinking about the girl, I couldn’t accept that fact that I am paying for a service, and it was all my experience. I guess this is one of the things I’ve struggled to work on, the fact that I need to be incredibly selfish at going after what I want, and not care about stepping on toes and shit.
I also found it a bit difficult to just relax and immerse myself into the experience, I really let go and enjoy, in my mind I was thinking too much, for a while I closed my eyes and tried to visualise fucing her.
The girl was really polite and she said the time is coming to an end, and then went on for a few minutes, and eventually said the time is up. She commented that “maybe you were thinking too much”.. I think she was right.
This is a good learning experience for me, as I’ve struggled with this for a while.
I’m going to keep at it, and do a massage and HR service again with a different lady, and then move onto a full service, I’ve allocated myself 10 sessions, and after 10 I will go back to hitting the bars and clubs, and take a couple of shots with regular girls.
I am expecting to become more sexual as a man, and not shy away from expressing my sexuality with girls that I fancy and get along with. I can’t say that this has happened yet. I found that the aftermath of paying for services is that the high runs out pretty quick, usually by the following day I’ve forgotton about the rush I’ve had and I’m enagegd in my normal day to day issues all over again.
On the other hand the high from regular sex is so much that you can’t help but tell all your mates you’ve got laid, and you run around on a high, and girls can sense it and they all respond better than you.
I remember on my encounter with C that I was high for almost a whole week and couldn’t get my mind off her.
Just as I thought I was at a loss, and not making any progress with my dating life, I found myself making sudden changes to the way I interact with women.
I haven’t actively worked my skills with girls for a long time, as I have been focusing on my weight training, wealth and other personal goals.
Met a group of italian girls last summer, who invited us to visit them in their hometown in Italy to celebrate the end of the exams.
Being a bit hesitant at first, I was a bit reluctant to say yes, thinking that being stuck in a house with 20 or so people who are unfamilair to me, would be tough, but at the same time I didn’t want to miss out on a potential great opportunity so I accepted reluctantly and booked the flights.
My stay ended up being from Thursday to Tuesday, the last two days of stay meant that we’d break up into smaller group and head over to a theme park to spend the last two days.
It was just me and 3 girls, at first I thought I’d have a bruno moment being surrounded by 3 girls and being sucked into girly conversations and generally being a really crap waste of time.
It certainly felt that way, early on in the day, however I didn’t engage in negativity and always looked at the positive, always seeking opportunities to get into conversations and being fun and proactive.
Throughout the course of the day, I started to loosen up, and the fun side of my personality came out, I started being more expressive and spontaneous. At that point I became more comfortable with the girls and started to hug and touch them more. I believe the touch was absolutely crucial in becoming comfortable with the girls and that opened up new pathways.
Throughout the course of the day I found 2 of the girls constantly vying for my attention, and could feel a little bit of friction between them. This made it awkward for me because I wanted 1 girls and wanted the other girl out of the way, so there would not be any awkwardness.
Throughout the day C and I, I had known C for a while she made two minor passes at me before but I couldn’t capitalise on it, this is really the story of my life, and I thought that it was game over and she’s lost interest. Later on she started telling me that she didn’t know that I was so funny, and spent a bit of time amongst ourselves.
All four of us were staying in one hotel room comprising of a double bed and a bunk bed, after the theme park we went to the room to get changed and head out, we got really playful with each other, constantly sniping funny remarks, we got quite hands on, but didn’t kiss, or touch each other sexually. But the sexual tension was through the roof.
We had lots of fun in the room, I was the last to shower, so I ended up being the last to get out and get changed, C stayed behind to wait for me in the room so that we can lraqve togther and I’ve never seen her dress so sexy in the 2 years that I had known here. Wearing an amazing pair of tight jeans and a fitted shirt with cleaveage to die for.
She stayed in the room, tapping he heel on the floor teasing me for being such a girl for being late, I got up and laughed and said “Don’t talk to me like that I’m not your fucking boyfriend!” She laughed so much, and so did I. I realised then also that she’d been checking me out up til the time I said that.
There was a lot of sexual tension in the lift on the way down, we didn’t say much to each other, but both of us knew that we fancied each other, she had that knowing smirk on her face, and so did I. I also knew that she knew her ass was looking banging, and at various times throughout the time she would turn, to pretend to look away, but obviously to tell me “Heyy, look at my bum!”.
We both got into the back seat of the car to ride to the restautrant, and she was so flusterede that she put on the seatbelt of the front passenger onto her back seat. We sat like that for a bit, until the front passanger reached over to grab her seat belt and we realised what she’d done, and we laughed out heads off.
Over dinner, we made each other laugh loads, at one point we were talking about which clubs to go to tonight, and C said “well I like mattress music, we should go somewhere with mattress music”, we both sat and teased another girl we was with us, who we both love dearly, and C remarked “you’re so mean you’re making fun of her and she can’t understand”, and replied “Yes of course, that’s what makes it fun”, C starts laughing out loud, I turn to our friend and say “innit? don’t you agree”, she said no, C and I burst out laughing.
We shared a bottle of wine amogst 4 of us, we were no where near drunk, but we acted like we’ve drunk the whole bar out, joking around and laughing constantly, that our cheeks and bellies hurt.
Afterwards we got to the hotel, if arrangements had been different I would have definately made a move, but since we were sharing a room with two friends, it was a challenge logistically.
We got into a small playful fist fight, involving me falling off my bed whilst trying to retrieve a remote control from under the bed, and her punching me a few times and kicking me on the neck, I proceeded to punch her hard on her arse a few times which got all the girls laughing. I got up and climbed back in bed, she stuck her foot out at me, so I pulled it hard and made her fall onto the floor. I guess this was the only way to break the tension that we had built up.
My only regret for this happening was that I didn’t make a move or at least try something covertly because of two of our friends bein in the same room as us. The decided to go to sleep, but I wasn’t sleepy so I put my laptop on to watch a movie. I think the perfect thing would have been to ask her if she wanted to watch it with me, it would have definately gotton C out of her bed and into mine. But I guess that’s the benifit of 20:20 from hindsight.
The next day we went back to the park, we spent a brief amount of time togther (me and C) and I spent quite a bit of time with the other girl who was vying for my attention. It was really awkward being with her.
We had about 2 hours to ourselves (me and C) before we had to get up and make our way to the station for my flight home.
I felt me and C connected a lot, and built a lot of trust, connection and rapport together. Even though we had a teasing frame going on and neither one of us wanted to back down and be straight forward. She’s quite competitive and so am I. And we don’t like to give up our position.
So this meant we never verbally implied what was going on between us, but we both knew where we stand. I had my legs over her and we chatted for a couple of hours, I started to get boner, and it started to get a bit stuffy down there, a while later the friends arrived at it was time for us to collect our stuff and head to the car.
Me and C spoke a little about meeting up together, she asked me to stay in touch, I teased back … naturally.. and said “Yea sure, the second I’m out of here I’m gonna delete you off my facebook”.. this was the typical banter we were exchanging throughout.
She wrote directions on my ticket on how to get the the airport, I took the pen and wrote I <3 Trigger on her arm, she didn’t take it off.
5 hours later after I arrived back to London, she text me “I can’t take off your stupid writing from my arm… blah..blah..blah”. I interpreted this as though she’s telling me she’s kept that on her arm all this time. Which means something.
When she comes back to London, I will take off from where I left off.
The reason why I took it so slowly, because it takes time to build up sexual attraction with girls who you’ve known for a while but never made a move. I believe that you can go in hard on girls who you’ve just met, however to do with people who you’ve known for a long time will be socially awkward.
Plus, I’m glad I didn’t kiss her yet, as it probably would have killed the sexual tension and would have been a big anti-climax. It’s better to initiate sexual contact when you know you have the logistics to actually have sex with the girl I guess.
The difference between visualising yuor goals and not visualising your goals is really night and day, I’ve been on a 21 day challenge in which I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is spend 20 minutes visualising what I want to achieve in the medium term. With my fitness, dating, work, and general lifestyle goals.
When I was doing this regularly, my day was more focused, I knew what I needed to achieve for the day, I procastinated less, and wasted less time. I felt more productive and active from doing this practice. I felt my day had a purpose and subsequently my life had a purpose and direction. On the contrary when I haven’t done this practice I felt aimless and just drifting along in life not knowing what my obligations are.
I am writing this is a memoir to myself to keep up the practice and not fall back into mediocrety
