I don’t really like rehashing the same stuff over and over again, I don’t like dwelling on the negatives and I really want to post up constructive commentaries, not have to post up more and more negatives.
However sometimes dwelling on the negatives are important especially if they keep propping back up over and over again.
On an earlier post under the same name, I indentified lots of regret I have in my life, and some areas which I am competent at, I falsely identified that I don’t go after what I want in life, and settle for whatever life throws at me.
This is accurate to a certain extent, however it’s not really the core of the issue, the core of the issue is that I don’t like discomfort. I am afraid of situations where I may experience discomfort and try my best to avoid it, until I am forced to face these situations and then when I do throw myself out there I find that I manage to fare pretty well.
This is the reason why I am going through life at a snails pace, and if I carry on going down this path what will happen is by the time everyone else is getting married and having children, finally then will I start getting girlfriends and having an active social life.
By then, I would have let so much of life to pass me by.
This is the standard pattern of my life:
I feel like I need to do something I can’t face the discomfort of taking action and making changes so I put my head in a cocoon. I engage myself with comforts, fast food, television, internet streams, forums I pass the day by just doing the things I’m good at gym, training, making passive income, eating, shopping, browsing websites Then situation comes where I desperately need to take action on the stuff I wanted to do. I take action and enjoy doing it for a bit, but then I get comfortable and the cycle continues.
I need to embrace the feeling of discomfort associated with taking action on my goals. I need to rewire how I respond to "discomfort" from being anxious to being exciting.
I’ve been out Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday.
Monday Good Salsa class, probably the best dancer in the class, got 4 dances after class. Approached lots of girls myself and got good reactions
Wednesday Went on a below par salsa class and was bored out of my mind, gave off a bored vibe and this translated into bad dances, had 3 dances and wasn’t very happy.
Thursday Had 5 dances and a decent salsa class. Was a lot better than Wednesday but not as good as Monday, had a French girl very interested in me and should have exploited that, but wanted to get dances
Friday Did not do any cold approaches, despite positive, fired up start, noticed weird phenomena of girls checking me out, got an ego boost from this but at the same time stifled me from approaching and didn’t do much. Left home with the resolve to be more proactive.
Sunday Did not approach and felt like my state was dwindling, however when I started doing 2 cold approaches by myself my state went up bit by bit but not many people out to practice the approaches.
What have I learnt? (what works and what doesn’t) When I get encouragements from people I flow into character really well, such as compliments from girls and wings. I hesitate a lot before approaching my first few sets, once I do though, I get into a good momentum. sometimes I doubt myself in my ability to converse, however compared to other guys I’d have to say there’s not anything much special to say. I found that if I accept the fact that the girl can choose to walk away and not care, and just talk very slowly and with a smile in my face. The girl warms to me easily.
Delaying the first couple of approaches is always suicide on a night out, it is imperative to approach early and get the momentum building, otherwise I’ll get stuck in my head more and more as time passes, and will go home pissed off and angry with myself.
It’s important to have self belief, and look at the girl thinking sexual thoughts, or like lovers staring in each others eyes like we’ve already made love and just enjoying the moment together. This will make the girl feel the same thing as well and make me feel confident.
Another thing that really messes up my night out is that when I don’t approach from early on I make it more and more hard on myself by being all tense, this is really bad for my state and confidence, and I need to either stop kicking myself in the backside or just get stuck in and approaching early on.
After Monday nights great success, I was on a high and stop pushing myself further.
My plan was to go out Tuesday night, however I didn’t because at the time I was "feeling tired", this was probably just an excuse as I was worried of having a bad night compared to the previous night.
I get this feeling from time to time, it’s like a huge period of motivation to change my life circumstance which is a reaction from a period of negativity and seeing the reality of my life situation. Where the motivation propels me to action for a brief moment but then I quickly get caught up in my comfort zone, get become happy for a bit, but don’t take steps to keep going forward.
I guess this means I have to release on my success barriers so I can go past them. Here are some releasing points for my success barriers
*Being happy uses energy and burns me out *I don’t really need girls, I’m happy with just getting a few positive reactions from girls and then not bothering to take it further *Getting girls will mean I have to create huge lifestyle changes which will be hard on me and stress me out *I’m scared of failing further down the line *Sometimes I just can’t be bothered
I also went out Wednesday night, and didn’t really have as much of a good time as I did on Monday, I felt like I was going through motions that I’ve already been through time and time again and was under stimulated, this funniest bit was when a girl said to me "OMG you have such a serious face on that it’s not even funny", and then the next time she came round she says "hello boy, that never smiles".
One good thing I experienced was that I was completely numb to negativity and rejection, previously this would really mess with my head but today it felt completely at ease and didn’t really care about what sort of reaction I was getting from other people.
Masturbation
After Monday night I had a good celebratory wank, two in fact, and never felt so good in my life. Tuesday morning I had two wanks and today (Thursday) I’ve just had two wanks, I think having a wank before doing something challenging that will stretch my comfort zone is a bad idea, as it makes me stagnate and not bother working hard for anything. I do like wanking. So I should really limit wanking to only doing it as a reward.
Sedona Method
I also need to make sure that I proactively seek out opportunities on releasing, I’m falling behind on this and need to keep it up.
OK my last couple of posts were really quite negative, I’m not sure if this was down to my attitude (which would mean I created this negativity in my head using my mind), or it’s down to just brain chemical imbalances due to taking 5htp, a concoction of sleeping pills, and my sleep clock going all over the place, in the last week or so.
Yesterday, I got a renewed sense of confidence about myself, I went to salsa for the first time in a ages. I will embolden any thoughts and feelings I have in order to release them, they don’t hold any significance to the reader.
I went out today, the day was quite productive, I was focused and didn’t procrastinate much. I got to the salsa bar, and got slightly dissuaded, it triggered a negative feeling of me pressure a being obliged to do something. Normally I would just walk in and wait for my friend inside, but today I decided to call my friend before he went in. I didn’t want to be waiting inside by myself for my friend and lose state.
I got in and hesitated a bit before buying the ticket for the class, I felt a suppressing feeling of not wanting to stand out and move people out the way before going to the ticket booth. But with the help of a friend I eventually got there.
Salsa class was a bit annoying at first there were maybe 6 or 7 more guys than girls. But I decided to not think about it and just get on with the class. We did a couple of basic steps that I’ve done loads of time before, this was good, I deliberately went to a beginners class because I wanted to get my confidence back. Very soon I was getting compliments from girls saying that I’m a really good lead, and they’ve had the best dance with me. This felt good.
I had chemistry or (good times) with about 5 of the girls.. That’s probably about half the class, so I wanted to chase them up later for dance after class.
But I was really nervous to ask, I guess because I have this feeling inside me where I feel like I shouldn’t ruin a good experience by pushing further and potentially ruining the experience.
I went to the bar and and two girls from the class were there. I proceeded to ignore them and pretend they’re not there. Because I felt like I left a good impression on them, and it would be bad to ruin that first impression by falling flat on my face. After a few awkward moments standing there, the girl talked to me, and we spoke about salsa (wow that was easy), and hit the dance floor. While dancing I enjoyed it for about 2 minutes, and then I got into a mental rut where I was thinking "shit I don’t know any more moves the girl looks like she’s getting bored". We rotated partners (there were 2 girls and me and my buddy) and danced for a bit. I think the first girl fancied me, but I didn’t push it to take it up a level.
I made an excuse and left, and later went and danced with another girl, I wasn’t really confident in the way I asked her, I felt like I was intruding in the girls conversation, if I was more relaxed I would have noted that and approached with "sorry to bother you…". But the girl said yes to my surprise and so, we danced.
The girl didn’t have much of an expression, we did some basic moves and chatted about salsa. I wanted to raise the energy up a bit, so I got a bit more excited and started doing some flash moves that I just improvised, and making loud cheerful expressions, she opened up a bit and showed me some moves. It was fun, she showed me a move where she’d lean on me on my side, and I’d lean 45 degrees to the side, and then I’d kick off on my standing leg and bounce her off.
I don’t think it was salsa, but it was fun.
Last dance was the best, with a girl who was really into me, I didn’t fancy her, but I loved her spirit and energy, probably the most dance chemistry.
After that we left to wander around.
So 1 hr of fun salsa class, with 4 good social dances.
Other emotional blows that I may have missed from this write-up and need to release on *Keep wanting to end dances and go back to my comfort zone. *Keep wanting to escape away and retreat in a quiet zone *Not exploiting a good night, and pushing my limits, to see how far I can push things *Happy by just having girls be attracted to me, and not going for more
Here’s a rehash of my beleifs that I hold inside me now, after doing some sedona method on the previous list
*I’ve been dealt a bad hand in life, and haven’t had the best start, now I need to move forward and change my destiny.
*I just lack a bit of experience with women, and I need to be proactive in being around more women.
*I have never persisted long enough with a girl to know if the method or not is working.
*I need to sort out a few life issues I have which are holding me back, and once I’ve got these sorted I will have a solid foundation
*Hot girls are bitchy
*Women are complicated
at this point I am struggling to find negatives, as you can tell from the last two points I’m really going for broke here.
*Women tend to take a while to familiarise with and open up
*Women have men around them all the time, and so are a bit difficult to get access to
*Women are difficult to read
Now I need to bring the focus back into my personal beleifs about me
*I’m an underachiever, who has potential for much more
*I am not proactive in looking for and grabbing opportunities
*I let my fear control me sometimes
*I’m scared of big changes and risk
*I have an affinity with my comfort zone, which I can’t let go of
*My lack of sexual prowess worries me
I went out today in order to chat up girls in a loud club, however I found myself facing a lot of difficulty in achieving any twngiable results. I found that I’d struggle a lot to approach, and when I do approach and break the ice, I struggle to hold a good conversation.
Maybe this is happening because this is my first day out in ages, or it could be because my beleifs are holding me back
Either way, I have been asked to write down my current beliefs about myself, not what I want to beleive about myslef, or the glossed over positive self, but the deeper self, that is the core of myself which controls my knee jerk (instinctual reaction). To create new positive beleifs, one must destroy any existing beliefs which contradict the new beleifs.
I don’t have power in society
I’m not in control of my life
I have to act like someoe I’m not in order to save face
I don’t take any risks
I have to rely on getting lucky with fat and ugly girls to get anywhere
Being an ethnic minority I’m automatically seen as less attractive that white people
I don’t enjoy exchanging banter with women
I don’t enjoy being friends with women, and get jealous why they fancy other guys
I only want stuff from women
I think women are uncomfortable around me.
I can’t hold a good conversation long enough
I have to rely on people to like me before I can be myself
I’m not as worthy or good as other guys
I am not funny normally, and need to be encouraged a lot to bring that side out
I don’t trust my judgement
Other’s don’t trust my lead
I only talk to people when I need something
I don’t trust that people are interested in anything I have to say
I am intimidated by people who I perceive as cooler than me
I get along Ok with guys, but girls are repelled by me
When I’m having a conversation with a woman, I’m thinking of the end goal, and feel nothing good will ever happen between us
I’m worried that the girl will find out the real me and won’t like me
Women are generally not into me personality wyse
Women want a guy with experience, and I’m not that guy
I can only succeed with woman if I’m the only guy around and I know she has no other choice
Woman are generally polyamourous so will sleep with other guys and hurt me
That’s all I can think of right now, there are porbably more issues out there.
On a positive note, he’s a nice video which should cheer anyone up.
And some of my positive sides.
Most guys think I’m pretty successful in life, so there must be some truth in that
I am tall and good looking
Whenever I go out I get checked out by girls at least a few times
I’m a clear thinker, and know myself well
I can speak coherently and articulate myself well
Most people think I’m pretty cool
I have friends who are close to me, and call me now and again
I have a decent education and a good head resting on my shoulders
I have improved myself a lot, and stand a good chance of improving myself even further
I’ve learnt to make and keep friends, something I couldn’t do earlier.
A nagging seed of negativty I have is that I doubt myself a lot, this was made clear to me in the essence advance course.
I doubt myself in almost all areas of life, except for the routine elements which I have overcome by consistent practice over time, such as Gym, money making and my intelligence. Hell yeah, I love the fact that I can analyse things to death, in fact I can’t turn that off.
Anyway, back on topic, I’m writing yet another post at a time when I cannot fall asleep and I have this nagging thought I have on my mind which I must put to rest here before I drive myself mad.
I feel I have underachieved a helluva lot in my life, I regret failing my A-levels really bad, I regret going to a crap uni, and having to resit my finals because I did so bad. I regret getting a medicore 2:2 pass mark. I regret not making many friends in life, I regret not socialising and expressing my voice enough, I regret not having a girlfriend, ever. I regret settling for second best. I regret sticking to my comfort zone for far too long, and allowing the wind to drag my ship everywhere and anywhere it wants, and not using my sails tactifully to dictate my destiny.
In all my years, I have simply been happy to settle for whatever life throws at me, at it sucks. I am in this position right now, because I failed to capitalise on opportunites right in front of my eyes, and simply choose the backseat option because going for whatI want was “too difficult” for me.
Well now, I am paying the ultimate price, and I have to decide right now, I have to seize this moment and ask myself,
Am I happy? NO.
What led me to this unhappiness? The inability for me to choose what I want in life and go for it.
So what will lead to my happiness? I need to mercilessly, unashamedly, go for what I want in life and not settle for second best.
Really, the time has long gone where I can stand back and enjoy the luxury of not taking action, if I continue this, I will grow old a frail man, and I will not have a career or purpose in life. I will be for ever drifting around in this world, like a life drifts along in a stream of water, completely at the mercy of where the stream takes it.
I woke up really late today, after binging on caffeine on the night before, I ddin’t know that green tea had cafeine at the time, and was using green tea as a substitute for tea and coke which to fend off my caffeine addiction.
I woke up pissed off, and hating myself for waking up at 6pm, I then had breakfast and drank some regular tea, this helped ease my mood as well. I was pissed off staying in my room all day, which is a mess. I want to move out of my parents ASAP, but the cost of accomodation is holding me back.
I phoned up my best friend, and got fired up a lil because I made plans for tomorrow to hang out.
I got pissed off again because my my neck injury hasn’t healed back so I cant do and weight training or muay thai. I’m ating the bare minimum, and also getting a bit fat from the carb. I look and feel fat.
I’m pissed off right now because I’m trying to go to sleep, and fix my sleeping pattern, I’ve taken kalms sleep aid and some herbal tea (cafeine free) which aids sleep.
I’m pissed off right now because it’s 1am and there are people outside my room talking and I can hear everything so I can’t go to sleep.
I’ve had several negative thoughts today that made me feel down. I don’t know what to do with my life, I’m almost 25 years old, and I don’t have acareer, I’m just making enough money to survive.
I’m annoyed that C invites out my best friend to hang out and completely avoids me, I don’t know whether she’s blanking me on purpose or something.
My knee jerk reaction is to punish her, blank her, not give her attention, and cut her out of my life. I am jealous.
I saw a video of a guy chatting up a woman, and it brought up negative emotions in me, it felt like it was really shallow, it won’t last, and I’m not ready for this.
I’m writing this because I want to work on these issues tomorrow and sedona method on these.
I also need to do a positivity challenge for 10 days
C came back to London, however when she came back she never contacted me to say hello or anything, when she was in Italy, she would send me emails occasionally, but since she’s back it’s like she not interested any more.
Her birthday just went by, I sent a cordial text saying happy birthday and she replied back with a polite thank you. But she never indicated meeting up or anything.
I have a couple of thoughts on this.
1) She’s come back, went out with her girlfriends and pulled several guys from clubs so she does not need to reignite old fires that have long died out.
2) She’s bored of waiting, and moved on
I think I’m going to bury the hatchet with this one and go out and meet some more women. It’s never a good idea to have your mind fixed on one girl, creates neediness and dependance, especially when she is seeing other guys.
I’m a bit frustrated, I’m going to channel that energy into a positive and go out and meet other women
I just got a batch of kamagra pills today, through the post. I ordered it from kamagranow.co.uk and testing the pills have yielded quite pleasurable results. I can get it up much more easily, stimulation is a lot more intense and the orgasm is the most powerful I have experience, On top of that erections were rock hard.
I have a friend called J, and he’s quite the fan of kamagra pills, however he is addicted to kamagra in that he can’t imagine having sex without the pills.
I got them because I think the nerves got the better of me and I couldn’t come, during the last time I’ve done the deed. I think sex is still a new experience for me, and being touched sexually still makes me jump sometimes. So to put myself at ease I’ve bought a packet of K and will take them before my next venture. I plan to come off as soon as I’m experienced enough to relax during sex.
Now, I’ve been sitting on my desk the past couple of days ponder about what my next escort experience will be. Honestly, there are so many women offering their “time” that I’m literally spoilt for choice. A bit like a kid in a candy store.
I’ve set a target for 10 escort experiences, I say I’m 1 down and 9 to go. A part of me says just get it over and done with, the other part of me says I need to pick carefully and wisely to make my experience the best possible.
Because just like in any other trade there are unscrupulous people out there who are all too willing to take your money and not offer the goods.
I’m using a website called adultwork.com to make my selection, and checking their feedback on punternet.com
