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Yesterday marked the momentous decision for me to plunge into the paying for “time” with an escort, the first time I used such services must have been over 2 years ago and it scarred me for a long time, it was incredibly rushed, mechanical and not worth the money, and it made me feel a little bit bad about myself for resorting to paying for “services”, if you know what I mean
The reason why I feel i needed to do this was because I was inredibly shy sexually, for a very long time, and I felt that it hindered me and still feel it hinders me to this day.
I was the guy that girls would find quite interesting, funny and attractive, and wanted to hook up with but would be bored of waiting around because I wouldn’t “pull the trigger” as they say, and spend too much time fluffing around.
Deep down, I have to say that moving advances sexually is quite scary, scared of the unknown, scared of possible rejection. From a young age I felt that my sexuality was repressed, came from a traditional family, men and women had roles and did not show any afffection to each other in public, my memory of my parents having sex was a quit clinical affair, no noise was made, movement was minimum, bed/mattress did not make any sound, it was all over within 10-15 minutes, and they both walked to the bathroom after to clean up. One after another of course.
When watching TV, we would flick channels when there was mention of anything sexual, or any scenes of kissing.What was most frustrating was that we would sometimes watch a movie around 9pm, and there would be several mild scenes of affection, kissing, cuddling, sexual innuendos, and my parents would get irate with having to switch channels so they’d send us upstairs to go to bed in the middle of the film.
obviously this has led a hallmark on my sex life, and my attitude about sex for a very long time,it’s only now, as a young adult I am able to break away and form my own opinions and values about such things.
So anyways back to the topic at hand
I went to see a escort yesterday, it was a great experience, I did not get for a full service, I was left traumatised from my last experience going to a soho walkup and been forced into mechanical sex with a ugly girl. Which I should have walked away from, but the pressure that I put on myself to get the deed done was so strong, and my idea of sex was so out of reality that I didn’t know any better
So to dip my toes into the water before jumping in, I opted for a massage and HR service with a nice polish lady, she was sweet and pretty good looking, I was a tad bit nervous, and just before knocking on the door to go in, felt a bit seedy, but I already made the choice and there was no turning back.
Girl put me at ease by making a passing comment about me looking around everywhere in front of her house for her door. And that it was a good thing I didnt knock on the wrong door. I guess when a girl is doing something like this and seeing possible 5-6 different guys every night it could raise suspicions with the neighbours.
So I walked up and went upstairs, got the formalities out the way, undressed and lied front up on the bed, meanwhile the girl is outside, she walks in and stares straight at my limp cock, I dunno whether she was looking at my cock or the funny tanline I have from my recent trip abroad.
She did a full body massage, mainly focusing on the back, and then halfway through the massage started slowly sliding her hand from the top of my back down to my ballsacks, I have I was really shocked at that, and it became clear to me why I needed to seek services of an escort, because my body was quivering at the slightest touch by the escort. She then asked me turn over and tried to finish me off, she tried and tried, until my dick went numb, I couldn’t feel anything on it for a while, the time ran out, and I got up had a shower and left.
Now the average guy who uses such services on a regular basis would have been a bit cheesed off with the results, however for me this was a bit of a milestone. Throughout the deed I kept thinking about the girl, I couldn’t accept that fact that I am paying for a service, and it was all my experience. I guess this is one of the things I’ve struggled to work on, the fact that I need to be incredibly selfish at going after what I want, and not care about stepping on toes and shit.
I also found it a bit difficult to just relax and immerse myself into the experience, I really let go and enjoy, in my mind I was thinking too much, for a while I closed my eyes and tried to visualise fucing her.
The girl was really polite and she said the time is coming to an end, and then went on for a few minutes, and eventually said the time is up. She commented that “maybe you were thinking too much”.. I think she was right.
This is a good learning experience for me, as I’ve struggled with this for a while.
I’m going to keep at it, and do a massage and HR service again with a different lady, and then move onto a full service, I’ve allocated myself 10 sessions, and after 10 I will go back to hitting the bars and clubs, and take a couple of shots with regular girls.
I am expecting to become more sexual as a man, and not shy away from expressing my sexuality with girls that I fancy and get along with. I can’t say that this has happened yet. I found that the aftermath of paying for services is that the high runs out pretty quick, usually by the following day I’ve forgotton about the rush I’ve had and I’m enagegd in my normal day to day issues all over again.
On the other hand the high from regular sex is so much that you can’t help but tell all your mates you’ve got laid, and you run around on a high, and girls can sense it and they all respond better than you.
I remember on my encounter with C that I was high for almost a whole week and couldn’t get my mind off her.
Just as I thought I was at a loss, and not making any progress with my dating life, I found myself making sudden changes to the way I interact with women.
I haven’t actively worked my skills with girls for a long time, as I have been focusing on my weight training, wealth and other personal goals.
Met a group of italian girls last summer, who invited us to visit them in their hometown in Italy to celebrate the end of the exams.
Being a bit hesitant at first, I was a bit reluctant to say yes, thinking that being stuck in a house with 20 or so people who are unfamilair to me, would be tough, but at the same time I didn’t want to miss out on a potential great opportunity so I accepted reluctantly and booked the flights.
My stay ended up being from Thursday to Tuesday, the last two days of stay meant that we’d break up into smaller group and head over to a theme park to spend the last two days.
It was just me and 3 girls, at first I thought I’d have a bruno moment being surrounded by 3 girls and being sucked into girly conversations and generally being a really crap waste of time.
It certainly felt that way, early on in the day, however I didn’t engage in negativity and always looked at the positive, always seeking opportunities to get into conversations and being fun and proactive.
Throughout the course of the day, I started to loosen up, and the fun side of my personality came out, I started being more expressive and spontaneous. At that point I became more comfortable with the girls and started to hug and touch them more. I believe the touch was absolutely crucial in becoming comfortable with the girls and that opened up new pathways.
Throughout the course of the day I found 2 of the girls constantly vying for my attention, and could feel a little bit of friction between them. This made it awkward for me because I wanted 1 girls and wanted the other girl out of the way, so there would not be any awkwardness.
Throughout the day C and I, I had known C for a while she made two minor passes at me before but I couldn’t capitalise on it, this is really the story of my life, and I thought that it was game over and she’s lost interest. Later on she started telling me that she didn’t know that I was so funny, and spent a bit of time amongst ourselves.
All four of us were staying in one hotel room comprising of a double bed and a bunk bed, after the theme park we went to the room to get changed and head out, we got really playful with each other, constantly sniping funny remarks, we got quite hands on, but didn’t kiss, or touch each other sexually. But the sexual tension was through the roof.
We had lots of fun in the room, I was the last to shower, so I ended up being the last to get out and get changed, C stayed behind to wait for me in the room so that we can lraqve togther and I’ve never seen her dress so sexy in the 2 years that I had known here. Wearing an amazing pair of tight jeans and a fitted shirt with cleaveage to die for.
She stayed in the room, tapping he heel on the floor teasing me for being such a girl for being late, I got up and laughed and said “Don’t talk to me like that I’m not your fucking boyfriend!” She laughed so much, and so did I. I realised then also that she’d been checking me out up til the time I said that.
There was a lot of sexual tension in the lift on the way down, we didn’t say much to each other, but both of us knew that we fancied each other, she had that knowing smirk on her face, and so did I. I also knew that she knew her ass was looking banging, and at various times throughout the time she would turn, to pretend to look away, but obviously to tell me “Heyy, look at my bum!”.
We both got into the back seat of the car to ride to the restautrant, and she was so flusterede that she put on the seatbelt of the front passenger onto her back seat. We sat like that for a bit, until the front passanger reached over to grab her seat belt and we realised what she’d done, and we laughed out heads off.
Over dinner, we made each other laugh loads, at one point we were talking about which clubs to go to tonight, and C said “well I like mattress music, we should go somewhere with mattress music”, we both sat and teased another girl we was with us, who we both love dearly, and C remarked “you’re so mean you’re making fun of her and she can’t understand”, and replied “Yes of course, that’s what makes it fun”, C starts laughing out loud, I turn to our friend and say “innit? don’t you agree”, she said no, C and I burst out laughing.
We shared a bottle of wine amogst 4 of us, we were no where near drunk, but we acted like we’ve drunk the whole bar out, joking around and laughing constantly, that our cheeks and bellies hurt.
Afterwards we got to the hotel, if arrangements had been different I would have definately made a move, but since we were sharing a room with two friends, it was a challenge logistically.
We got into a small playful fist fight, involving me falling off my bed whilst trying to retrieve a remote control from under the bed, and her punching me a few times and kicking me on the neck, I proceeded to punch her hard on her arse a few times which got all the girls laughing. I got up and climbed back in bed, she stuck her foot out at me, so I pulled it hard and made her fall onto the floor. I guess this was the only way to break the tension that we had built up.
My only regret for this happening was that I didn’t make a move or at least try something covertly because of two of our friends bein in the same room as us. The decided to go to sleep, but I wasn’t sleepy so I put my laptop on to watch a movie. I think the perfect thing would have been to ask her if she wanted to watch it with me, it would have definately gotton C out of her bed and into mine. But I guess that’s the benifit of 20:20 from hindsight.
The next day we went back to the park, we spent a brief amount of time togther (me and C) and I spent quite a bit of time with the other girl who was vying for my attention. It was really awkward being with her.
We had about 2 hours to ourselves (me and C) before we had to get up and make our way to the station for my flight home.
I felt me and C connected a lot, and built a lot of trust, connection and rapport together. Even though we had a teasing frame going on and neither one of us wanted to back down and be straight forward. She’s quite competitive and so am I. And we don’t like to give up our position.
So this meant we never verbally implied what was going on between us, but we both knew where we stand. I had my legs over her and we chatted for a couple of hours, I started to get boner, and it started to get a bit stuffy down there, a while later the friends arrived at it was time for us to collect our stuff and head to the car.
Me and C spoke a little about meeting up together, she asked me to stay in touch, I teased back … naturally.. and said “Yea sure, the second I’m out of here I’m gonna delete you off my facebook”.. this was the typical banter we were exchanging throughout.
She wrote directions on my ticket on how to get the the airport, I took the pen and wrote I <3 Trigger on her arm, she didn’t take it off.
5 hours later after I arrived back to London, she text me “I can’t take off your stupid writing from my arm… blah..blah..blah”. I interpreted this as though she’s telling me she’s kept that on her arm all this time. Which means something.
When she comes back to London, I will take off from where I left off.
The reason why I took it so slowly, because it takes time to build up sexual attraction with girls who you’ve known for a while but never made a move. I believe that you can go in hard on girls who you’ve just met, however to do with people who you’ve known for a long time will be socially awkward.
Plus, I’m glad I didn’t kiss her yet, as it probably would have killed the sexual tension and would have been a big anti-climax. It’s better to initiate sexual contact when you know you have the logistics to actually have sex with the girl I guess.
The difference between visualising yuor goals and not visualising your goals is really night and day, I’ve been on a 21 day challenge in which I wake up every morning and the first thing I do is spend 20 minutes visualising what I want to achieve in the medium term. With my fitness, dating, work, and general lifestyle goals.
When I was doing this regularly, my day was more focused, I knew what I needed to achieve for the day, I procastinated less, and wasted less time. I felt more productive and active from doing this practice. I felt my day had a purpose and subsequently my life had a purpose and direction. On the contrary when I haven’t done this practice I felt aimless and just drifting along in life not knowing what my obligations are.
I am writing this is a memoir to myself to keep up the practice and not fall back into mediocrety
Ive been weight training on ans off for a very long time, but with the absense of a clear cut goal on what sort of shape and size I want to achieve I never really got any bigger then a mildly defined 12stone 8pounds physique.
Relating back to my earlier post on homeostatis, I realised that deep down that the size I wanted to be at and I didn’t really want to get any bigger than that.
I’ve changed my impression of myself and I visualise myaelf being a lean 86kg (13 stone 7pounds), now I eat like some on 86kg and I feel like I already am this way. The theory of homeostatis means that it should allow me to hit the target weight easier.
I’m currently at 86kg with a bit of a belly, 16% bodyfat, if I were to be 12% my weight would be 81kg, so I have 5kg more lean muscle to get.
Hooraaa
I re-read the book Mastery by George Leonard recently, it’s amazing how much new and insightful things you can pickup from a book you’ve already read before. What I like about books that I don’t like about watching movies is that you can read them over and over again and not be bored by them, however there are only a once maybe twice you can watch something audio-visual and your mind gets bored of it and wants more stimulation.
I guess it probably comes down to the fact that when you’re reading you have to be fully engaged with it, and you create the content in your mind with your imagination, you fill the gaps, you make the words real be inventing the visual in your head. It keeps the mind occupied, and every time you read it the visuals may be different.
The chapter that made me put down my book and think to myself.. And put me deep in thought about my life.. What I have been doing right and what I have been doing wrong (more wrong than right I have to say) is Homeostatis. The idea that things are not meant to change, and nature will naturally return you back to your original place like an elastic band every time you venture out outside your comfort zone.
Otherwise there would be chaos, there would be no stability and consistency, and we humans need stability and consistency tokeep us sane.
It doesn’t mean that people don’t change, it means that people are exactly how they want/supposed to be.
This is really law of attraction revisited, but it’s often too easy to dismiss the secret and the law of attraction because often times it comes across as patronising, and a bit unrealistic. But it really is true.
What I realised from reading that chapter in Mastery is that deep down up until this point I didn’t really want a girlfriend, I didn’t want to go through the heartache, rejection and pain, I was happy to go alone as a loner in this world. Even though externally I thought I’d like a girlfriend. Often what you want is the first milisecond gut reaction to certain events, and you need to be tuned into hearing that. I guess.
So I went into a cocoon recently and wrote down and visualised exactly what I want and why I want them, I even devised a vision board vis-a-vis the secret style, and will be changing my core beliefs by continually visualising my dreams and aspiration.
Hey Guys and Girls
Just finished pimsleur spanish level 2, my comprehension and vocabulary has improved a lot, going to start level 3 soon, I might go and recap some of level 2 or just go straight on to level 3 tomorrow.
Worked on punches and bit of kicks, took turns to land 1 hit, 2 hit and 3 hit combos, the hardest part was guarding, I’m too risk averse and dont want to get hit, so I flinch on any sign of attack, this is bad for my learning, been told by my spotter to relax more and not be so on edge.
My shin guards are also crap, hurt my shins really bad because the foam is too soft, this stop me from practising my kicks well.
Also been told that I’m too boxed and I need to be more angled on the attack.
Need to not focus too much on landing powerful punches and focus more on technic, be happy with taking blows
I ended my last post early, and went to bed abruptly. I was going to do an all-nighter, not sleep, and hope that next time I sleep like a baby.
Last minute I decided agaisnt it, because this will probably cause havoc for my body clock, instead I went to sleep 6am and woke up 10am. A strong coffee, a red bull, and some freshly juiced orange with the aid of my blender and I’m feeling great.
Got a muay thai class and a few projects lined up, need to check out the salsa scene and get dancing this week too, but at the moment my muay thai and weight training is taking up all my time.. 
One thing about being out of work is that, you might have all the free time in the world, but the world still revolves around the 9-5 world, there’s still nothing to do mon-fri, and all the best classes, be it salsa, martial arts, meetup.com events, speed-dating, etc all take place in the 7-9 peak time. So even if you have 10 hours to do whatever it is you want, if you want to do any of the above, you have to sacrifice a few.
I’m not working right now, making a bit of spare income from my websites, looking for a job at the moment. However before I even begin to start looking I need to sort out my bad sleeping pattern, history has taught me if you’re waking up around 2pm on a daily basis and applying for jobs, they’re not going to be impressed when they call you up to invite you for interviews and find you answering after having just woken up.
When I was a student I had the luxury of waking up whenever I felt like knowing that I have a few buddies at uni who’ll cover my back, by lending me their notes, and that ultimately I don’t really have any real responsibilties other than to make sure I hand in 4 assignments before the deadline and cram enough stuff in for the exams at the end of term. I have to remind myself that in the real world, it doesnt work like that.
When I was at uni this was a huge drain for me, and I tried lots of different methods to fix my sleeping pattern. One was to skip sleep for a night… let me tell you. This is a bad idea. Trust me, come 9pm the following evening you WILL regret doing it,
I went to a Muay Thai class last week, I really enjoyed it. I got into a lot of fights when I was at school, I’d get picked on because I used to get easily wound up and racted badly to name calling, if I could go back in time and hold the hands of my kid self, give him a cuddle and tell him, everything is OK, you are special and amazing, you need not worry about what other people think of you, it probably would have had a huge impact on my life.
I remember this was one of the things that we went through when we were under trance at the Essence course, sometimes to this day, when I am feeling paticularly bad I know that it’s just the kid inside my that’s reacting this way, and I go into my head and tell me kid self, it’s OK, it’s alright to make a few mistakes, but you shouldn’t feel bad about it..
Anyway, going back, I went to a boys school and got into so many fights that I lost count. Anything slightly annoying I would erupt and get into fights, Of course I’ve beaten other people and got beaten myself. but I really like the rush of getting into fights, muay thai I guess is a rekindling of the old thrill, but I’m not hurting anyone.
Now I wish, I could go back in time, and take my old self to a muay thai class, it would have been great if my dad got me into martial arts when I was a kid.
 Muay Thai fighters
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About me Star sign: Scorpio
Favourite food: Potato
Favourite sport: MMA
Favourite city: Amsterdam
Favourite country: Cuba
Languages spoken: 3
Favourite Book: Yes man
Favourite music: Salsa
Favourite Drink: Green Tea
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