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I went to a Muay Thai class last week, I really enjoyed it. I got into a lot of fights when I was at school, I’d get picked on because I used to get easily wound up and racted badly to name calling, if I could go back in time and hold the hands of my kid self, give him a cuddle and tell him, everything is OK, you are special and amazing, you need not worry about what other people think of you, it probably would have had a huge impact on my life.
I remember this was one of the things that we went through when we were under trance at the Essence course, sometimes to this day, when I am feeling paticularly bad I know that it’s just the kid inside my that’s reacting this way, and I go into my head and tell me kid self, it’s OK, it’s alright to make a few mistakes, but you shouldn’t feel bad about it..
Anyway, going back, I went to a boys school and got into so many fights that I lost count. Anything slightly annoying I would erupt and get into fights, Of course I’ve beaten other people and got beaten myself. but I really like the rush of getting into fights, muay thai I guess is a rekindling of the old thrill, but I’m not hurting anyone.
Now I wish, I could go back in time, and take my old self to a muay thai class, it would have been great if my dad got me into martial arts when I was a kid.
 Muay Thai fighters
I’ve been to Spain a few times, I really want to go far afield now and experience genuine Latin American culture, the closest I got was when I visited Cancun, Mexico. Unfortunately for me, it wasn’t such a great experience, Cancun is really a little America, North America that is, and has the same sort of price bracket as U-S of A too. if you’re luckly enough to brave venturing out into the local areas then you could find yourself in heaven, amazing meals for around $2, great weather and very hospitable people. However it’s as if the whole place is built so that you do not venture over there, firstly there are no Road Signs, there are maps… BUT here is the big BUT, none of the locals know the street names. Because the local town outside of the resorts aren’t big most of the locals know the locations via familiarity, so they don’t need to know street names or road signs.. So if you get lost… Good luck finding your way around..
 cancun Beach serial view So aside from being lumbered in the tourist areas of Cancun, with a bunch of drunk Americans, I hadn’t reallybeen to Latin America.. Which is a shame because with my basic Spanish I think I’ll have a great time.
So I have one of 2 choices to do. Either visit Chile or Cuba.. here are my reasons why
Chile
Is a South American Country which speanks Spanish, albeit muy rapido. The country is a thin strip sandwiched from the rest of South America by the Andes mountains.. This is good because I always have the problem of not knowing where to visit, Chile is great because you can go other up or down, and if you start from the top you have no choice but to go down, vice versa. Secondly Chile is wealthier and more peaceful than other south American country like honduras, colombia, guatamala etc. So for a novice traveller who likes his creatre comforts such as ipod, digital camera, laptops, and designer gear, this could be a good place.
 Andes Mountains in Chile Cuba
Of all the people I’ve spoken to Cuba pretty much comes up on the top of the list of places to visit.. Amazing friendly people, cheap (if you can escape the tourist places), great music and dance atmosphere. However like always there are some downsides to every place.. what are they? Janteros (prostitutes) are rife, and prostitution carries a heavy penaulty. Chances are you’ll get blackmailed by the pimp to fess up a lot of money. Easy you say, just avoid all prostitutes. Not so, prostitution doesn’t take place in the convential form, they appear to be like the average bar girl, you think you’ve got lucky and last minute they lay down the proposal. So I’ve been told. Also most Cubans are poor, and you’ll get constant invitations to get ripped off. See people’s Cuba experience is very polarised, I guess some people want a stress free relaxing time and don’t want to be hasseled and constantly have to negotiate, barter and tell people “no me gusto” constantly, while other people enjoy this experience and find that this is really the charm of the place.. I guess it’s different, I mean I’ve walked along the streets of London, and have nobody talk to me at all.
 Cuba Tours I do sometimes feel very lonely in London which is home to 20 million people. Quite ironic actually, I feel that in London you really have to make an effort to keep friends and have good people around you. If you are too passive about it, it can be tough to be in contact with people.
Just finished pimsleur level 1, feel elated that I finished it, but at the same time realise that there’s a lot more for me to learn.
Currently reading a book called intimate connection by david burns, interesting book which an interesting twist on how to pursue love. One of the things it says is that you need to first learn to love yourself and treat yourself with love and respect, and completely forget finding love, and live as if you will never find love and basically put yourself first.
the idea is that when you stop searching and look within you, you become a more attractive person and people are drawn to you, I’ll be doing the lessons.
Live, Laugh, Love
I’ve been reading a few books on self help for a while now, one of those which has made a big impression on me is Intimate Connection by David Burns, what stood out was the fact that I could relate very much to author of the book who came from an analytical mind, he didn’t have any success with women until 26, and slowly learnt how to do so by treating himself with love and dignity, he says most people who have no love in their life seek out a partner who will end their years of misery, but what tends to happen is that their needyness and desperation is apparant to the other person and they run a mile.
What I’ve been doing is putting myself on the backseat, not putting my needs first before everyone else, I do things to impress others, or laugh at other peoples jokes, or be a spectator and look to others to make me happy, and not to enough to humour myself and treat myself as the most important person in the world.
So anyway, I’m into the first few chapters like maybe 1/6 of the way there, really enjoying this book.
One of the things I’m doing is learning spanish, I’ve read elsewhere that learning a new skill is good for bulding self esteem as it allows you to take your mind off your daily routine.
Also learning a new language is like a new voice for you to express yourself, can you imagine practising a new language and making a point of not learning the negative expressions, and allowing yourself to only express positivity??!!?
Hey guys, a lot went down since my last update of the blog, I’ve visited Oslo, Madrid, Cancun and I have a few more trips planned, I think I’ve come a long way in battling my depression, I feel a lot happier, but the only thing missing in my life is sex, romance, love, lust, broken hearts, and girls to pursue. I think I may be a terminal singleton, I’ve become so used to being single, and put myself so far out of the dating game that I need to retrain myself in the art of chasing a woman, and getting rejected which will ultimately land me a great girl who I can spend most of my weekends with, who will be the envy of my friends, not just in the beauty department but because she’s stolen me from them.
I keep notepads of things that happened in the day, I know I really should sit down and write these up, but really it feels like a big chore, and I know I need to get this sorted.
I made so much progress, and today I’ve hit an all time low. My dad’s been screaming and shouting upstairs, can’t really decypher what it was about, he shouts so fast and mumbles his words I cannot ever make out what the fuck he’s going on about. Plus he has a full set of false teeth which I guess makes it difficult for him to speak.
He’s been like this all my life, and I really need to get the hell out of this place and get my own place. I don’t want a rent because it’s a complete waste of money, IMO. Once I have enough money I’ll go buy-to-let. Move into a room, and rent out the other rooms to other people.
I was never proud of my dad, and I thought he was a complete loser all my life, I grew up hating myself and blaming all my shortcomings onto him. I was bad socially, I blamed it all on him, because he was so anti-social. I perceived him to be a lazy, illiterate, welfare hogging village idiot. He pushed me hard to get an education and I thought he was a hypocrite for doing that.
he pushed us [me and my siblings] beyond out capabilities with schooling and eventually it was all too much and I turned my back on it.
I thought I put that all in my past now and buried the hatchett, from reading the copious amounts of self-help books I taught myself that everything that I react badly do is my own fault and is entirely down to how I choose to cope with it. If I get angry at someone else it’s because it’s triggered something bad inside of me and I need to solve it inside-out.
Well my dad ranting and raving about absolute tripe, pissed me off so much, that I went upstairs and shouted at him, and gave him all I could give, “what the hell is wrong with you!?!?! Why are you shouting non-stop?!?! You’re getting to my head and messing with my mind?!?!?! I don’t want to hear your bullshit!?!?! And all sorts.
I saw red, and I gave everthing I had, I said a lot more… I cant remember it because it pissed me off so much.
Immediately afterwards I had finished my ranting, I knew I made a mistake, I knew I took the pussy way out, and discharged all my negativity and anger about myself onto my dad. I could have chose to not resist the noise, get out the house and get some fresh air, instead I unloaded myself onto another person, and now I’ve made him feel aweful and I have built up guilt inside of me.
I’ve been to barcelona all by myself and it felt GREAT! I’m so glad I went travelleling and I feel this is the first of MANY MORE adventures to come. I’m so happy and trilled with myself. I’ve finally did it! I’ve finally taken the plunge to face one of my biggest fears.
I have to say though, it wasn’t all smooth sailing. Here’s the deal. My first day – I felt sick to my stomach and I really felt like a fish out of water. People use that term very loosly for almost anything – but I really felt it throught the core of my being.
I remember feeling lost immediately after landing in Barcelona, walking out of the arrivals gates feeling completely alone in the world and nobody to hang on to, this was the first time I had left home and been exposed to the big wide world. After exiting the airport I found someone who spoke a little english to direct me to my hostel. I took the coach to the hostel and got off the last stop and rushed to my hostels. Not stopping to speak to anyone or have any conversation.
I found one spanish girl who spoke English, she was really cute and I approached her specially for that reason, I went straight in and asked for directions, she was really helpful and seemed open to some light banter, but because I was so nervous I said by and walked of in a rush.
I lost the whole essence of travelling, being calm, being open, being relaxed and allowing things to just happen rather than rushing around like a 9-5 workaholic. This is the first of many lessons I had learnt from my adventure.
After checking in to the hostel, getting my key and bedding, I walked to the common room, walking into a dead silent room, and feeling like “is this it?”. Ahh little naieve me, so impatient, so expectant and unwilling to take control of my life situation.
I walked up and met my room-mate, and slept in a really cold and quiet room, freezing to death. I didnt realsie the door was open and that I could easily turn up the thermostat 
That was the first day, and fortunately the worst of the lot. I felt very homesick and lost in this alien environment,
The next day was infinately more better I went out with a group of 4 australian girls and met the girl that I had sex with for the first time, and it was amazing (although we didnt actually have sex on that day but rather 3 nights later).
A day later I met a bunch of american girls who I had the most fun in my life with.
And the weekend was just AMAZING, after that it went a bit quiet from there.
I spent the quiet nights talking to a really grounded and cool finnish chick, with the most unusal haircut I have ever seen. We enjoyed talking about love, life, the pains and the highs of life. This is what I always wanted to do and I felt like I had gone there.
it didnt seem like the happiness and bliss I thought I’d achieve. I guess I was seeking some sort of salvation from my pains from achieving these moments of joy. It just reminded me that I just need to be happy and content with where I am and what I have.
If I can’t feel that way I will never be happy, and will be constantly seeking something greater, and never being happy.
I’ve been on St John’s wort for 10 or so days now (I should really keep a record of when and how much I take this), I feel a lot more relaxed and happier, so it seems to be working. I haven’t had any breakthrough moments where I’m trying out things completely different in my life, just doing the same things as before but more chilled out, and more and peace with myself.
Time will tell if it’s had any real impact in my life, or if it’s just a placebo affect, I’ve booked an Essence-foundation.com course for the next weekend. A friend of mine suggested that I’d benifit from it, it’s like a group therapy course where people share expereicnes and feelings a bit like alcoholics anonymous  and also has a seminar portion of it. It cost me £200 for the weekend (pretty cheap). I wanted to go on the course for months, but never had the money to do so. Recently I’ve made a small killing on my SEO work and have quite a ‘few bob’ to spend.
Even if I don’t get anything out of this, It’s still be worth it just to quench my curiosity of this course. My logic behind spending money on these sort of things is that If I’m ever going to regret something, I’d rather it be something I’ve done rather than something I haven’t done.
Right after this I’m going to throw myself in the deep end. I’m going travelling to Spain for a whole 10 days by myself, I’m anxious and excited at the same time. I’m anxious of being in a foreign non-english speaking country by myself, at the same time I know I’ll have lots of fun, and I’d never regret the experience I get from it.
Still just to be on the safe side, I guess it will motivate me to brush up on my spanish
A year or so ago, I sought help from my GP for my mild depression, I’ve felt down nearly all my life. Although I’ve never contemplated suicide, or resorted to drug abuse or anything as bad as that, I’ve always felt about 75% happy in life. Ever since I could remember I’ve had a feeling that I’m not living to my potential, I’m not as happy as I could be, as motivated as I could be.
Something sparked me to get help around this time last year, and I went to see the GP, my problems were dismissed after 2 mins of talking to her, and she said that everyone my age was a bit insecure about themselves, as they’ve finished university and in a mini existential crisis not knowing what to do with their lives.
A year on [to the present day if you can't keep track] and I feel I’ve made very small progress in my life and happiness, and with the GP unable to offer any help, I’ve taken matters into my own hands and decided to take some over the counter happiness pills called st John’s wort. I heard about it on a discussion board, apparantly it’s completely natural (derived from a plant), has no side affects and proven to be as effective as prozac is some cases.
I’ve taken it for 3 days now, I remember I had a small placebo affect on the 2nd day of taking it, I just felt a lot better, and then I read up on st john’s wort a little bit more and discovered that the effects kick in about 2-3 weeks after starting supplementation… which made me feel back to pre-supplementation mood again.
So I’m well aware of placebo.
I have other positive things I want to talk about but will do so when I get the time.
So I’m sitting here 10pm Saturday night, I’m bored out of my mind with nothing to do now, and nowhere to go. I got back from the gym an hour ago, and since then I’ve ate a grilled chicken breast (protein) and a bowl of meusli (the easiest carbohydrate source I could knock up).
I don’t know why but I feel really down and depressed lately.
I woke up Thursday with only 6 hours sleep, I couldn’t go back to sleep so I carried myself around the whole of Thursday. Got extremely fatigued round about 5pm and then had a nap.
I don’t know why I felt this way, my guess is that I’ve been going salsa class for 3 days straight, I enjoy salsa, and it’s something that’s way outside of my comfort zone, it pushes me into being comfortable with close encounters with women. I’m not used to this at all, in fact I’m a massive avoidant [as you'll get to find out later on], and I guess my brain haqs had enough and after 3 days of emotionally gruelling 2 hour long salsa classes. My brain has had enough and decided to lock up, and prevent myself from going salsa for the 4th time this week.
It was almost successful, except I’m planning to go salsa on Sunday, to complete the 4th salsa dose for the week.
 Anyway, back to tonight. I’m feeling a bit lonely right now, I have nobody to talk to or hang out with. I could phone up a couple of people, but I have no inclination to spend time talking to someone.
A couple of days back I phone up my friend Naz, she used to be my supervisor about 2 years ago. She’s the only person who I feel comfortable in phoning up and talkign to. I feel she’s the only person in the world who’ll be able to listhen.
I spoke to her for 70 minutes on the phone, I was impressed because I was never the conversationalist and this was a massive breakthrough for me. We talked about some fun stuff, old memories, joked with her a bit, and talked about my depression for a bit, I felt she could understand because she’s been through it.
Even though she didn’t understand my problem, it felt good to be able to share this finally, and for a day or two it felt good.
Now I’m back to square one, I guess all my problems come down to one thing, my avoidancy, the fact that I don’t communicate with people much, I don’t have anyone to share my feelings, my inner feelings – not just nicities. I’ve been this way all my life, and well this blog I guess is all about changing my life around so I become happy and get rid of my depression, I have a group of close friends and someone to love.
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About me Star sign: Scorpio
Favourite food: Potato
Favourite sport: MMA
Favourite city: Amsterdam
Favourite country: Cuba
Languages spoken: 3
Favourite Book: Yes man
Favourite music: Salsa
Favourite Drink: Green Tea
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