I doubt myself in almost all areas of life, except for the routine elements which I have overcome by consistent practice over time, such as Gym, money making and my intelligence. [...]]]> A nagging seed of negativty I have is that I doubt myself a lot, this was made clear to me in the essence advance course.

I doubt myself in almost all areas of life, except for the routine elements which I have overcome by consistent practice over time, such as Gym, money making and my intelligence. Hell yeah, I love the fact that I can analyse things to death, in fact I can’t turn that off.

Anyway, back on topic, I’m writing yet another post at a time when I cannot fall asleep and I have this nagging thought I have on my mind which I must put to rest here before I drive myself mad.

I feel I have underachieved a helluva lot in my life, I regret failing my A-levels really bad, I regret going to a crap uni, and having to resit my finals because I did so bad. I regret getting a medicore 2:2 pass mark. I regret not making many friends in life, I regret not socialising and expressing my voice enough, I regret not having a girlfriend, ever. I regret settling for second best. I regret sticking to my comfort zone for far too long, and allowing the wind to drag my ship everywhere and anywhere it wants, and not using my sails tactifully to dictate my destiny.

In all my years, I have simply been happy to settle for whatever life throws at me, at it sucks. I am in this position right now, because I failed to capitalise on opportunites right in front of my eyes, and simply choose the backseat option because going for whatI want was “too difficult” for me.

Well now, I am paying the ultimate price, and I have to decide right now, I have to seize this moment and ask myself,

Am I happy? NO.

What led me to this unhappiness? The inability for me to choose what I want in life and go for it.

So what will lead to my happiness? I need to mercilessly, unashamedly, go for what I want in life and not settle for second best.

Really, the time has long gone where I can stand back and enjoy the luxury of not taking action, if I continue this, I will grow old a frail man, and I will not have a career or purpose in life. I will be for ever drifting around in this world, like a life drifts along in a stream of water, completely at the mercy of where the stream takes it.

Now please, let me go to sleep.

I don’t [...]]]> So I’m sitting here 10pm Saturday night, I’m bored out of my mind with nothing to do now, and nowhere to go. I got back from the gym an hour ago, and since then I’ve ate a grilled chicken breast (protein) and a bowl of meusli (the easiest carbohydrate source I could knock up).

I don’t know why but I feel really down and depressed lately.

I woke up Thursday with only 6 hours sleep, I couldn’t go back to sleep so I carried myself around the whole of Thursday. Got extremely fatigued round about 5pm and then had a nap.

I don’t know why I felt this way, my guess is that I’ve been going salsa class for 3 days straight, I enjoy salsa, and it’s something that’s way outside of my comfort zone, it pushes me into being comfortable with close encounters with women. I’m not used to this at all, in fact I’m a massive avoidant [as you'll get to find out later on], and I guess my brain haqs had enough and after 3 days of emotionally gruelling 2 hour long salsa classes. My brain has had enough and decided to lock up, and prevent myself from going salsa for the 4th time this week.

It was almost successful, except I’m planning to go salsa on Sunday, to complete the 4th salsa dose for the week.

Anyway, back to tonight. I’m feeling a bit lonely right now, I have nobody to talk to or hang out with. I could phone up a couple of people, but I have no inclination to spend time talking to someone.

A couple of days back I phone up my friend Naz, she used to be my supervisor about 2 years ago. She’s the only person who I feel comfortable in phoning up and talkign to. I feel she’s the only person in the world who’ll be able to listhen.

I spoke to her for 70 minutes on the phone, I was impressed because I was never the conversationalist and this was a massive breakthrough for me. We talked about some fun stuff, old memories, joked with her a bit, and talked about my depression for a bit, I felt she could understand because she’s been through it.

Even though she didn’t understand my problem, it felt good to be able to share this finally, and for a day or two it felt good.

Now I’m back to square one, I guess all my problems come down to one thing, my avoidancy, the fact that I don’t communicate with people much, I don’t have anyone to share my feelings, my inner feelings – not just nicities. I’ve been this way all my life, and well this blog I guess is all about changing my life around so I become happy and get rid of my depression, I have a group of close friends and someone to love.