Building my Confidence » depression

What I really regret in life, and what I need to do in order to move on

totalwise — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 02:26:14 +0000

A nagging seed of negativty I have is that I doubt myself a lot, this was made clear to me in the essence advance course.

I doubt myself in almost all areas of life, except for the routine elements which I have overcome by consistent practice over time, such as Gym, money making and my intelligence. Hell yeah, I love the fact that I can analyse things to death, in fact I can’t turn that off.

Anyway, back on topic, I’m writing yet another post at a time when I cannot fall asleep and I have this nagging thought I have on my mind which I must put to rest here before I drive myself mad.

I feel I have underachieved a helluva lot in my life, I regret failing my A-levels really bad, I regret going to a crap uni, and having to resit my finals because I did so bad. I regret getting a medicore 2:2 pass mark. I regret not making many friends in life, I regret not socialising and expressing my voice enough, I regret not having a girlfriend, ever. I regret settling for second best. I regret sticking to my comfort zone for far too long, and allowing the wind to drag my ship everywhere and anywhere it wants, and not using my sails tactifully to dictate my destiny.

In all my years, I have simply been happy to settle for whatever life throws at me, at it sucks. I am in this position right now, because I failed to capitalise on opportunites right in front of my eyes, and simply choose the backseat option because going for whatI want was “too difficult” for me.

Well now, I am paying the ultimate price, and I have to decide right now, I have to seize this moment and ask myself,

Am I happy? NO.

What led me to this unhappiness? The inability for me to choose what I want in life and go for it.

So what will lead to my happiness? I need to mercilessly, unashamedly, go for what I want in life and not settle for second best.

Really, the time has long gone where I can stand back and enjoy the luxury of not taking action, if I continue this, I will grow old a frail man, and I will not have a career or purpose in life. I will be for ever drifting around in this world, like a life drifts along in a stream of water, completely at the mercy of where the stream takes it.

Now please, let me go to sleep.

Cycle of negativity

totalwise — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 00:20:19 +0000

I woke up really late today, after binging on caffeine on the night before, I ddin’t know that green tea had cafeine at the time, and was using green tea as a substitute for tea and coke which to fend off my caffeine addiction.

I woke up pissed off, and hating myself for waking up at 6pm, I then had breakfast and drank some regular tea, this helped ease my mood as well. I was pissed off staying in my room all day, which is a mess. I want to move out of my parents ASAP, but the cost of accomodation is holding me back.

I phoned up my best friend, and got fired up a lil because I made plans for tomorrow to hang out.

I got pissed off again because my my neck injury hasn’t healed back so I cant do and weight training or muay thai. I’m ating the bare minimum, and also getting a bit fat from the carb. I look and feel fat.

I’m pissed off right now because I’m trying to go to sleep, and fix my sleeping pattern, I’ve taken kalms sleep aid and some herbal tea (cafeine free) which aids sleep.

I’m pissed off right now because it’s 1am and there are people outside my room talking and I can hear everything so I can’t go to sleep.

I’ve had several negative thoughts today that made me feel down. I don’t know what to do with my life, I’m almost 25 years old, and I don’t have acareer, I’m just making enough money to survive.

I’m annoyed that C invites out my best friend to hang out and completely avoids me, I don’t know whether she’s blanking me on purpose or something.

My knee jerk reaction is to punish her, blank her, not give her attention, and cut her out of my life. I am jealous.

I saw a video of a guy chatting up a woman, and it brought up negative emotions in me, it felt like it was really shallow, it won’t last, and I’m not ready for this.

I’m writing this because I want to work on these issues tomorrow and sedona method on these.

I also need to do a positivity challenge for 10 days

Bad sleep pattern part 2

totalwise — Tue, 19 May 2009 11:39:50 +0000

I ended my last post early, and went to bed abruptly. I was going to do an all-nighter, not sleep, and hope that next time I sleep like a baby.

Last minute I decided agaisnt it, because this will probably cause havoc for my body clock, instead I went to sleep 6am and woke up 10am. A strong coffee, a red bull, and some freshly juiced orange with the aid of my blender and I’m feeling great.

Got a muay thai class and a few projects lined up, need to check out the salsa scene and get dancing this week too, but at the moment my muay thai and weight training is taking up all my time..

One thing about being out of work is that, you might have all the free time in the world, but the world still revolves around the 9-5 world, there’s still nothing to do mon-fri, and all the best classes, be it salsa, martial arts, meetup.com events, speed-dating, etc all take place in the 7-9 peak time. So even if you have 10 hours to do whatever it is you want, if you want to do any of the above, you have to sacrifice a few.

St John’s Wort seems to be working

totalwise — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 23:46:49 +0000

I’ve been on St John’s wort for 10 or so days now (I should really keep a record of when and how much I take this), I feel a lot more relaxed and happier, so it seems to be working. I haven’t had any breakthrough moments where I’m trying out things completely different in my life, just doing the same things as before but more chilled out, and more and peace with myself.

Time will tell if it’s had any real impact in my life, or if it’s just a placebo affect, I’ve booked an Essence-foundation.com course for the next weekend. A friend of mine suggested that I’d benifit from it, it’s like a group therapy course where people share expereicnes and feelings a bit like alcoholics anonymous and also has a seminar portion of it. It cost me £200 for the weekend (pretty cheap). I wanted to go on the course for months, but never had the money to do so. Recently I’ve made a small killing on my SEO work and have quite a ‘few bob’ to spend.

Even if I don’t get anything out of this, It’s still be worth it just to quench my curiosity of this course. My logic behind spending money on these sort of things is that If I’m ever going to regret something, I’d rather it be something I’ve done rather than something I haven’t done.

Right after this I’m going to throw myself in the deep end. I’m going travelling to Spain for a whole 10 days by myself, I’m anxious and excited at the same time. I’m anxious of being in a foreign non-english speaking country by myself, at the same time I know I’ll have lots of fun, and I’d never regret the experience I get from it.

Still just to be on the safe side, I guess it will motivate me to brush up on my spanish

Taking matters into my own hands

totalwise — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 02:30:14 +0000

A year or so ago, I sought help from my GP for my mild depression, I’ve felt down nearly all my life. Although I’ve never contemplated suicide, or resorted to drug abuse or anything as bad as that, I’ve always felt about 75% happy in life. Ever since I could remember I’ve had a feeling that I’m not living to my potential, I’m not as happy as I could be, as motivated as I could be.

Something sparked me to get help around this time last year, and I went to see the GP, my problems were dismissed after 2 mins of talking to her, and she said that everyone my age was a bit insecure about themselves, as they’ve finished university and in a mini existential crisis not knowing what to do with their lives.

A year on [to the present day if you can't keep track] and I feel I’ve made very small progress in my life and happiness, and with the GP unable to offer any help, I’ve taken matters into my own hands and decided to take some over the counter happiness pills called st John’s wort. I heard about it on a discussion board, apparantly it’s completely natural (derived from a plant), has no side affects and proven to be as effective as prozac is some cases.

I’ve taken it for 3 days now, I remember I had a small placebo affect on the 2nd day of taking it, I just felt a lot better, and then I read up on st john’s wort a little bit more and discovered that the effects kick in about 2-3 weeks after starting supplementation… which made me feel back to pre-supplementation mood again.

So I’m well aware of placebo.

I have other positive things I want to talk about but will do so when I get the time.