I doubt myself in almost all areas of life, except for the routine elements which I have overcome by consistent practice over time, such as Gym, money making and my intelligence. [...]]]> A nagging seed of negativty I have is that I doubt myself a lot, this was made clear to me in the essence advance course.

I doubt myself in almost all areas of life, except for the routine elements which I have overcome by consistent practice over time, such as Gym, money making and my intelligence. Hell yeah, I love the fact that I can analyse things to death, in fact I can’t turn that off.

Anyway, back on topic, I’m writing yet another post at a time when I cannot fall asleep and I have this nagging thought I have on my mind which I must put to rest here before I drive myself mad.

I feel I have underachieved a helluva lot in my life, I regret failing my A-levels really bad, I regret going to a crap uni, and having to resit my finals because I did so bad. I regret getting a medicore 2:2 pass mark. I regret not making many friends in life, I regret not socialising and expressing my voice enough, I regret not having a girlfriend, ever. I regret settling for second best. I regret sticking to my comfort zone for far too long, and allowing the wind to drag my ship everywhere and anywhere it wants, and not using my sails tactifully to dictate my destiny.

In all my years, I have simply been happy to settle for whatever life throws at me, at it sucks. I am in this position right now, because I failed to capitalise on opportunites right in front of my eyes, and simply choose the backseat option because going for whatI want was “too difficult” for me.

Well now, I am paying the ultimate price, and I have to decide right now, I have to seize this moment and ask myself,

Am I happy? NO.

What led me to this unhappiness? The inability for me to choose what I want in life and go for it.

So what will lead to my happiness? I need to mercilessly, unashamedly, go for what I want in life and not settle for second best.

Really, the time has long gone where I can stand back and enjoy the luxury of not taking action, if I continue this, I will grow old a frail man, and I will not have a career or purpose in life. I will be for ever drifting around in this world, like a life drifts along in a stream of water, completely at the mercy of where the stream takes it.

Now please, let me go to sleep.

I woke up pissed off, and hating myself for waking up [...]]]> I woke up really late today, after binging on caffeine on the night before, I ddin’t know that green tea had cafeine at the time, and was using green tea as a substitute for tea and coke which to fend off my caffeine addiction.

I woke up pissed off, and hating myself for waking up at 6pm, I then had breakfast and drank some regular tea, this helped ease my mood as well. I was pissed off staying in my room all day, which is a mess. I want to move out of my parents ASAP, but the cost of accomodation is holding me back.

I phoned up my best friend, and got fired up a lil because I made plans for tomorrow to hang out.

I got pissed off again because my my neck injury hasn’t healed back so I cant do and weight training or muay thai. I’m ating the bare minimum, and also getting a bit fat from the carb. I look and feel fat.

I’m pissed off right now because I’m trying to go to sleep, and fix my sleeping pattern, I’ve taken kalms sleep aid and some herbal tea (cafeine free) which aids sleep.

I’m pissed off right now because it’s 1am and there are people outside my room talking and I can hear everything so I can’t go to sleep.

I’ve had several negative thoughts today that made me feel down. I don’t know what to do with my life, I’m almost 25 years old, and I don’t have acareer, I’m just making enough money to survive.

I’m annoyed that C invites out my best friend to hang out and completely avoids me, I don’t know whether she’s blanking me on purpose or something.

My knee jerk reaction is to punish her, blank her, not give her attention, and cut her out of my life. I am jealous.

I saw a video of a guy chatting up a woman, and it brought up negative emotions in me, it felt like it was really shallow, it won’t last, and I’m not ready for this.

I’m writing this because I want to work on these issues tomorrow and sedona method on these.

I also need to do a positivity challenge for 10 days